Warning...This is a Rant!

I have so many thoughts going through my head. I want to write. I want to speak. I want to be able to do something other than sit around the house. My mind swirls with thoughts and feelings, emotions of every kind. I struggle with keeping my thoughts positive. Those darn negatives keep trying to creep into my mind. I feel about 100 things right now...am I happy? Sad? Discouraged? Overwhelmed? Angry? Excited

Ahhhh. I just cannot take it sometimes. I do not want to have this stupid disease. It is ridiculous. I hate it! A part of me wants to just curl up in a ball and die because I see no pleasure in anything. But nope, gotta keep fighting the good fight. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is selfish. They shouldn't want me to suffer and so I tell myself it would be better if they would just tell me I should kill myself. Like that is my way out. I get so tired of fighting this mess. 

Just when I start to feel better my diabetes acts up and I end up getting depressed for no reason. Of course the only way to lower it is by eating garbage foods and exercising. Well, quite frankly I don't want to do either. I hate it! I worked my butt off going to weight watchers, lost a ton of weight, and then just let myself fall into the big mess of eating crap again and being lazy. Now I sit here fat and unhealthy. 

I am tired of taking pills for blood pressure, diabetes, bipolar, adhd, i mean seriously? I fee like a walking pharmacy. I just want to feel normal. But does anyone know what normal really is? Who in the heck in this world is normal?

I just had another thought. I want to go away with my husband. I want to take like 500 bucks and take off. Go do something spontaneous and fun...get the heck out of this stupid place we call Michigan, with all of its ice and snow and freaking cold temperatures. I need some sunshine and warmth...that would make me feel 110% better. I hate living here.

I feel like I am being a big negative nelly, but am I? Or am I just getting 100 things off my chest that make me feel overwhelmed...Yep, that is what I am doing, venting, and it feels amazing! Everyone should get the opportunity to vent once in awhile, it is what keeps us half way sane...I say halfway because will any of us really ever feel completely sane? I mean where is the fun in that? 

Sometimes it just feels good to go a little bit crazy. Crazy, did I just use that word? Yes I did and at this very moment that is the best word I can think of to describe all these feelings I am feeling. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself...take a big deep breath and laugh...enjoy going off the deep end sometimes. Besides, if you can't go off the deep end sometimes you wouldn't have a story to tell. And without a story to tell your life would be...well...quite boring!

Mountains Out of Mole Hills

I truly hate my brain...I want a brain with a prefrontal lobe that functions correctly! One of the many problems I have is making mountains out of mole hills. I do it on a daily basis. The little things that happen to me make me go berzerk! Here is my example:
Tonight I realized I had forgotten to get my daughter's blood work done (another problem is my memory). It has already been two weeks and of course I kept forgetting. I decided tomorrow morning would be a good time to get it done, but guess what? I have lost the freaking doctor's order! Now I am just guessing that a "normal" person would simply not worry about it, call the doctor in the morning, and get another order for the blood work. WELL NOT ME...
My glorious and fabulous brain tells me the world is ending...my breathing gets labored...my heart races...every negative thought about life in general invades my mind...and eventually I start to hate who I am! Seriously? What on earth is the big deal? But to me it is a big deal and now I have to spend the remaining hours of my evening trying to rethink the negative and somehow turn it into positives...not an easy task! Guess I better get started...
But before I get started here's one more thought. Doesn't it just feel good sometimes to go a bit crazy, I am pretty sure that is because it is so much easier to go a bit crazy then to work your butt off trying to feel normal!

Short Story...Never Alone

Never Alone

By

Cristy A. Brown

She sat in her room not knowing where to turn. Her mind was racing. Was she happy, sad, angry, tired? What was going on she thought? Why was this happening to her? She felt a huge darkness swelling up inside her soul. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she was scared, tired, and alone.

The night before, Janice finally broke. She had taken what would be her last beating – emotionally and physically – from her husband. After years of abuse, it finally appeared to have ended with her husband’s words of finality, “I am leaving you.” Although Janice was scared of what was going to happen, she felt a wave of relief whirling through her mind and body. Though she would be alone, she would not have to endure any more damage brought on by years of abuse. However, the abuse was not over; it would continue to haunt her in ways she had never dreamed.

The day after Janice finally broke, she decided she needed to see someone. She made an appointment with her doctor and started the greatest and most difficult journey of her life. After discussing her horrible night with her doctor, he suggested she see a psychiatrist. Janice did not understand. Why would she need to see a psychiatrist? She wasn't crazy, and everyone associates a psychiatrist with someone who is crazy. What was going on? Janice once again felt a great sense of fear. Her fear turned to great panic and an overwhelming surge of sadness. Why was this happening? She just didn't understand. But crazy or not, she decided to at least go and talk to the psychiatrist.

Janice was exhausted the night before her appointment, but she could not sleep. Her mind raced with a million thoughts of what the next day would bring. She could not control the tears as they streamed down her face. But the more she cried, the more she felt a sense of anger welling up inside her. She tried to hide this from her husband, after all, he was leaving soon anyway, and he didn't care; no one cared. Janice was alone.

From the next room her husband heard her cries. He stumbled into the bedroom and started making fun of her. He asked why she was being such a baby and told her to get over it and to grow up. Janice felt as though she would burst! She could not ignore the anger that was growing deeper and deeper. She lashed out yelling and screaming at her husband, telling him all the things he wanted to hear.

Janice felt worthless, like garbage. No one cared and no one ever would. He yelled back agreeing with her that she was worthless and confirmed that no one would ever love her. He could obviously see she was just crazy. He told her she had always been crazy; that she needed locked up somewhere forever. Then those horrific words – the words that uncaring people say – came out of his mouth, “Janice, you should just kill yourself.”

Janice ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and reached for her husband’s razor blade. She told herself it would just be better this way. No one needed her and no one loved her. The one person she trusted most just told her to end her life. How could life ever get better? I must be crazy she told herself; no one acts like this; no one feels like this...why am I so alone?

What Janice didn't know is that she wasn't alone. Thousands of individuals just like her suffer on a daily basis. But Janice had never heard of “others”. She had only heard that people who suffer from mental illness are crazy. That was the stigma. Janice didn't know what bipolar disorder and depression were. She didn't know it was something that could be brought on by emotional and physical abuse. What Janice did not know could have very easily ended her life that night. But it didn't. Janice made it through that horrific night and used her pain in a way that would help others.

Janice was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression brought on by PTSD. She had suffered for so long, and the results of emotional and physical abuse had really taken a toll on her mind. Janice was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and began a medication regimen that would change her life. She started therapy and began to help others by sharing her story of survival.

Now Janice is nationally known for her story. She has started many support groups for those who struggle with bipolar disorder and depression. She has shared her story far and wide, letting others know she is not ashamed because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Her story is powerful and well known by thousands of those who share her pain. She has saved lives through her story. Most importantly though, she has shared her story of strength. Janice is not defined by her disorders, she defines them. She is the hope people need. She is strength!

You Are Not Alone

This disease is real...it hurts...it debilitates...we have got to get the word out there and help others. The pain is real, the emotions are exhausting, this disease takes its toll on thousands of lives. More support groups need formed, more groups need to be available through social media, and we need to get our stories out there so others can relate.

There is strength in numbers. We need to stand up and stand strong against this mental illness. We need to encourage others by reaching out and lending our ear to hear their stories. We need to throw away the fear inside us. We have to be a light to let others know they are not alone!

I stood alone last night, not knowing where to turn. I truly believe there needs to be more avenues of support out there. Some type of social media system where you can turn at any time of any day and someone who understands your struggle will answer you. I searched a lot last night looking for someone to talk to. I preferred someone who did not know me so that I could just open my heart and pour out my feelings. But alas, there was no one...

I want to be an avenue for others to share with. I want to be the start of something great. I want to serve others in a way that has not been done before. I will find a way...I will allow myself to be used to my fullest potential!

Mood Change Again

What a weird day...not sure what kind of mood I am in. The day started out just ok, not really up or down...pretty much just "normal". I felt a big on edge by the time the afternoon started, but I fought the good fight and made it until my second dose of Metadate. About twenty minutes after taking the Metadate I started feeling better. I felt more focused and energized which then leads to happiness...hoorah!
My biggest problem tonight was when I started thinking of the things I HAD to do. Even though they were little things such as, making my son dinner, packing his lunch for tomorrow, and making sure he worked on his science fair project, they overwhelmed me in about 2.5 seconds. I do not do well when I know I HAVE to do something. Why is that? I just get so overwhelmed!
My chest feels heavy and my brain feels bored...trying to watch a movie...just not feeling the best. Where did all the joy go from yesterday...I had a great day yesterday, it was awesome. I get so tired of the mood changes...pure exhaustion! The worst part is going to bed and having no idea how I am going to feel in the morning...it just scares me so much!

Hope

The light is there, I feel it somewhere, but cannot reach it
I struggle to breathe, when will I find rest?
Emotions are overwhelming the very depths of my soul
What will come next? What is in store for me? Will this end?
I need to reach the light, I cannot let the darkness consume me...
Just one more breathe, then another, fight, just one more step
I can find the hope, I must survive, this cannot last forever
Just a little further, peek into the light, shine down on me I beg
With each breath I take the pain fades slowly, very slowly, but there is a chance
I know I can make it, there is a light ahead, it may be dim, but I see it
I reach for it slowly, watching the darkness hit my back,
My brain battles every bit of positive I feel, but I fight it back with all that I am
I'm sensing happiness, I know it is there, it is within me, if only I can grasp it
Push further, dig deeper, fight the pain...there is hope ahead
With every step I take, every breath I take, the light is overtaking the dark
The moments are passing by, the fight continues on, I see you hope, I feel you
It is shining bright, the pain is gone, I fought the fight, I may have won
Hope is here, it is in my path, I can stand tall because I found the light
Darkness will come again but I have no need to fear, hope will always win...I can do this!

A Clear Mind

This day has been good so far...my mind is clear...I am so thankful! I live for days like this. Days I can see things so clearly and accurately. I read up a lot last night about bipolar disorder, I don't think you ever really know all there is to know about this horrible disease. It is nice to get a fresh perspective on something you have lived with for so many years.
One thing I learned last night from my reading was how those with bipolar disorder have a prefrontal lobe in their brain that just does not function properly. I never really learned about the science of it all, but by doing so it made me feel better about my disease. It reinforced in me that this disease is just that, a disease, something that cannot be helped...it is not my fault.
It was very interesting to read how those with bipolar lack the ability to think about what they are going to say...it described it by saying that our thoughts are directly linked to our tongue and we say whatever pops into our brain at the time of an episode. There have been so many times I have felt so guilty over the things I have said to others, mainly my husband. But I understand that there are times I absolutely cannot help it. The things I say are definitely not the truth, but they are the things that my crazy emotions had me believing at the time. I am sure I will still always feel guilty, but I think it is more important to stress to my husband that these things I say are not true.
This disease is so horrible and I feel for anyone sufferring from it...I just want to learn all I can so that I can be a light to others. I want to be able to survive and thrive so that I can be a leader in my community and show others that they are not alone and that they too can survive and thrive. I am driven by my passion for helping others sufferring!
#bipolardisorder #strivetothrive #helpingothers #passionforlife #itsabeautifulday

Discouraged...

I am feeling so many things right now. I am completely discouraged...overwhelmed...frustrated...angry...what do I do with all of this? When I was started on the ADHD medication I think I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be the big cure I was looking for. Well, obviously I was wrong :( My emotions are getting the best of me today. This is a day of feeling like I have no pupose in life, I mean really what am I doing that is worth anything? I have such a passion for helping others, but how can I help others when I cannot even help myself right now?
People tell me, "You are a mom and a wife...you have a family to take care of." Really? Is that supposed to be the only thing in life that makes it worth living? I personally want more out of life...I think if more people would be honest they would agree that they too want more out of life. I cannot just sit around my house, clean, organize, and wait for the kids to get out of school. Then once they are out of school what am I supposed to do? My kids are all busy with their own activities and when they are not busy with activites they are in their rooms, watching television, or playing on their electronics.
I need more out of this life...if I actually had something to do I wouldn't have to sit around and think how I have nothing. I need to have a purpose, a plan, a goal, or a dream...am I wrong for wanting more? I need more, so much more. But how do I get it?

Panic Mode

Why do I panic when things do not go right? Is it my disease? Is it my past? What exactly is it?
This morning I realized I didn't have my debit card...couldn't find it anywhere...panic set in immediately! My husband kept telling me that this has happened before and that we would find it, but my mind told me life was over and negative thoughts swarmed my mind. How do I change this? How do I find a way to calm myself down? Why do I think life is over and everything is ruined when things don't go right?
Bumps in the road, no matter how big or small, can really shake us sometimes, especially when we struggle with mental illness. How do we get through these bumps? How do we force ourselves to use the coping skills we have learned along the way? That is something I really struggle with...using my coping skills when times get tough. I have a huge list of coping skills, but when my feelings and emotions take over everything flies out the window.
I think the best thing I can do to handle these bumps in the road are to really plan and prepare for the next "disaster". I need to keep a list of ways to deal with stress with me at all times. No matter how crazy it may seem to carry a little list with me it may really help me to see all the things I need to do in order to calm myself down and think logically. So from now on that is what I will do...carry my coping skills everywhere I go.
#copingskills #freakingout #bumpsintheroad

Medication Guessing Game

Did you know 1 in 5 people who have bipolar disorder also have ADHD...well apparantly I am one of those 1 in 5. I was taken off my anti depressants two weeks ago and put on Metadate for ADHD. My psychiatrist explained that the medication would work immediately if I truly had ADHD. The medication did, in fact, work right away...I felt so much better, like myself again, the fog had lifted. Unfortunately it only seemed to be in working order for about a week. By week two I was starting to slowly feel foggy again. My mood seemed to start bouncing from sad to irritable, I started feeling less energetic, nothing sounded "good" to me anymore. By the end of the second week I felt like giving up...all my old symptoms were back and heading to full throttle mode.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon and he doubled my dosage of metadate and increased my Saphris (mood stabilizer). He told me I could take a double dose in the morning or split it up in the daytime. Crazy me decided to take the double dose this morning! I feel like a zombie...I don't know how else to describe this weirdness. I feel like staring off into space or maybe just going to bed...AHHH! It is so frustrating.

I am trying to stay positive, but my mind is definitely not functioning well today, hopefully tomorrow the medication will work if I split it up. Why are medications such a playground? Take one, try one, increase, decrease, side-effects, good mood, bad mood, sad, irritable, happy, excited, discouraged, encouraged...it all just seems like a big guessing game to me. I think I would be frustrated if my brain was even working properly today...but it's not...

#bipolar, #ADHD, #frustration, #medications, #crazy