Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

New Medications

Medication changes can be so aggravating. I already feel like a walking pharmacy and when medications seem to just quit working it can lead to overwhelming feelins of frustration! So I wanted to take a minute to talk about my medication and how it seems to be affecting me.
Over the last 15 years I have been on a large variety of medications, some I cannot even remember. It seemed like every time I was put on something it worked for a few weeks and then BOOM it seemed to stop working altogether. This can be so frustrating when all you want to do is feel normal, happy, and be able to enjoy life.
Over the past two weeks my dysphoric mania has seemed to be relentless. I have struggled daily with episodes and no matter what I tried nothing helped. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he prescribed Depakote ER 500mg once a day for a week and after a week I would go to 1000mg once a day. More medication to add to my variety pack as it was.
I did some research online about all the medications I am taking and it did nothing but scare me to death. I read positives and I read negatives about the Depakote and the combination of Depakote and Saphris. Having the brain that I have I started focusing on only the negative comments about the medicaitons.
I took my cocktail last night around ten, fell asleep shortly thereafter, and ended up waking up today at 4:30pm! Talk about sedation! I feel ok tonight but am a nervous wreck about taking them again tonight. I called my doctor when I woke up and he feels that maybe I was just exhausted from all I had been through this past week. Maybe???? Who really knows???
So the moral of my story...don't believe everything you read about medications, we are each different and certain drugs and combinations of drugs affect each person differently. I could be on a horrible path with these new drugs, but am trying to stay positive, hoping I can actually wake up in the morning. I am remaining hopeful because after all, hope is all we have!

Mountains Out of Mole Hills

I truly hate my brain...I want a brain with a prefrontal lobe that functions correctly! One of the many problems I have is making mountains out of mole hills. I do it on a daily basis. The little things that happen to me make me go berzerk! Here is my example:
Tonight I realized I had forgotten to get my daughter's blood work done (another problem is my memory). It has already been two weeks and of course I kept forgetting. I decided tomorrow morning would be a good time to get it done, but guess what? I have lost the freaking doctor's order! Now I am just guessing that a "normal" person would simply not worry about it, call the doctor in the morning, and get another order for the blood work. WELL NOT ME...
My glorious and fabulous brain tells me the world is ending...my breathing gets labored...my heart races...every negative thought about life in general invades my mind...and eventually I start to hate who I am! Seriously? What on earth is the big deal? But to me it is a big deal and now I have to spend the remaining hours of my evening trying to rethink the negative and somehow turn it into positives...not an easy task! Guess I better get started...
But before I get started here's one more thought. Doesn't it just feel good sometimes to go a bit crazy, I am pretty sure that is because it is so much easier to go a bit crazy then to work your butt off trying to feel normal!

Discouraged...

I am feeling so many things right now. I am completely discouraged...overwhelmed...frustrated...angry...what do I do with all of this? When I was started on the ADHD medication I think I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be the big cure I was looking for. Well, obviously I was wrong :( My emotions are getting the best of me today. This is a day of feeling like I have no pupose in life, I mean really what am I doing that is worth anything? I have such a passion for helping others, but how can I help others when I cannot even help myself right now?
People tell me, "You are a mom and a wife...you have a family to take care of." Really? Is that supposed to be the only thing in life that makes it worth living? I personally want more out of life...I think if more people would be honest they would agree that they too want more out of life. I cannot just sit around my house, clean, organize, and wait for the kids to get out of school. Then once they are out of school what am I supposed to do? My kids are all busy with their own activities and when they are not busy with activites they are in their rooms, watching television, or playing on their electronics.
I need more out of this life...if I actually had something to do I wouldn't have to sit around and think how I have nothing. I need to have a purpose, a plan, a goal, or a dream...am I wrong for wanting more? I need more, so much more. But how do I get it?

Medication Guessing Game

Did you know 1 in 5 people who have bipolar disorder also have ADHD...well apparantly I am one of those 1 in 5. I was taken off my anti depressants two weeks ago and put on Metadate for ADHD. My psychiatrist explained that the medication would work immediately if I truly had ADHD. The medication did, in fact, work right away...I felt so much better, like myself again, the fog had lifted. Unfortunately it only seemed to be in working order for about a week. By week two I was starting to slowly feel foggy again. My mood seemed to start bouncing from sad to irritable, I started feeling less energetic, nothing sounded "good" to me anymore. By the end of the second week I felt like giving up...all my old symptoms were back and heading to full throttle mode.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon and he doubled my dosage of metadate and increased my Saphris (mood stabilizer). He told me I could take a double dose in the morning or split it up in the daytime. Crazy me decided to take the double dose this morning! I feel like a zombie...I don't know how else to describe this weirdness. I feel like staring off into space or maybe just going to bed...AHHH! It is so frustrating.

I am trying to stay positive, but my mind is definitely not functioning well today, hopefully tomorrow the medication will work if I split it up. Why are medications such a playground? Take one, try one, increase, decrease, side-effects, good mood, bad mood, sad, irritable, happy, excited, discouraged, encouraged...it all just seems like a big guessing game to me. I think I would be frustrated if my brain was even working properly today...but it's not...

#bipolar, #ADHD, #frustration, #medications, #crazy