Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

Let's Break Some Stuff

The morning started out as every other morning. I woke up to my husband bringing me coffee, take my blood sugar, swallow a fist full of pills, and rub on some orange and peppermint oil (for mood). I have nothing planned for the day (mistake number 1) so I head out to the kitchen to clean up after the kids. I get the kitchen cleaned and decide to head into the living room and start my social media adventure.
The first thing I notice is that there hasn't been very many views on my blog (discouragement number 1), then I notice there hasn't been much activity on my FB page Hope in Hillsdale County (discouragement number 2), and finally I check my Youtube video and see only two views (discouragement number 3). Discouragement is just me being impatient and expecting myself to be way better at something than I am...Did I mention discouragement leads to depression?
I then decide to watch some television, maybe that will perk my day up...nope. The discouragement and the fact that I have nothing planned for the day has already done a number on my little bipolar brain! And then it hits me...like a bolt of lightening...ANGER!
I get my husbands attention by throwing a candle and smashing it against the bedroom door, all the while I am yelling profanity and horrible things about myself to my husband. Since that didn't affect him I decide to throw some more stuff while my brain screams in aggony and more hurtful and abusive things fly out of my mouth.
After breaking a few more things, throwing a small dresser across the room, and my husband walking out because he cannot take anymore, I throw myself on the bed and cry. Just as quickly as it came on, it ended. I am left to clean up the physical and emotional mess I have made.
I am very lucky to be married to someone who forgives me as quickly as my episode began. However, the hurt I caused cannot be forgotten. I ask myself, "Why did you not see the triggers?" "Why did you not fight harder to control the anger?" "Why can I not experience manic episodes of euphoria instead of anger?" So many unanswered questions that I have to live with...
Tonight I sit here drained, with so many questions rolling around in my already overwhelmed brain. Discouraged that I just cannot figure out how to take control of my brain. But I try to tell myself, I have a mental disorder and my brain will never function normally. I have to pick myself back up and try again, but most importantly I have to be patient with myself, forgive myself, and love who I am, functioning brain or not!