Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

Let's Break Some Stuff

The morning started out as every other morning. I woke up to my husband bringing me coffee, take my blood sugar, swallow a fist full of pills, and rub on some orange and peppermint oil (for mood). I have nothing planned for the day (mistake number 1) so I head out to the kitchen to clean up after the kids. I get the kitchen cleaned and decide to head into the living room and start my social media adventure.
The first thing I notice is that there hasn't been very many views on my blog (discouragement number 1), then I notice there hasn't been much activity on my FB page Hope in Hillsdale County (discouragement number 2), and finally I check my Youtube video and see only two views (discouragement number 3). Discouragement is just me being impatient and expecting myself to be way better at something than I am...Did I mention discouragement leads to depression?
I then decide to watch some television, maybe that will perk my day up...nope. The discouragement and the fact that I have nothing planned for the day has already done a number on my little bipolar brain! And then it hits me...like a bolt of lightening...ANGER!
I get my husbands attention by throwing a candle and smashing it against the bedroom door, all the while I am yelling profanity and horrible things about myself to my husband. Since that didn't affect him I decide to throw some more stuff while my brain screams in aggony and more hurtful and abusive things fly out of my mouth.
After breaking a few more things, throwing a small dresser across the room, and my husband walking out because he cannot take anymore, I throw myself on the bed and cry. Just as quickly as it came on, it ended. I am left to clean up the physical and emotional mess I have made.
I am very lucky to be married to someone who forgives me as quickly as my episode began. However, the hurt I caused cannot be forgotten. I ask myself, "Why did you not see the triggers?" "Why did you not fight harder to control the anger?" "Why can I not experience manic episodes of euphoria instead of anger?" So many unanswered questions that I have to live with...
Tonight I sit here drained, with so many questions rolling around in my already overwhelmed brain. Discouraged that I just cannot figure out how to take control of my brain. But I try to tell myself, I have a mental disorder and my brain will never function normally. I have to pick myself back up and try again, but most importantly I have to be patient with myself, forgive myself, and love who I am, functioning brain or not!

Simple Tasks

My houeshold needs groceries, with seven people living here you can imagine how much food we go through in a week. What do most people do? They usually pick a day and time to get their grocery shopping done for the week, they go and get the groceries...simple right? Well, not for someone who struggles with bipolar disorder. Going to get groceries can be an extremely stressful time.

I was already in town once today for my therapy appointment and I knew I needed to get groceries, however, I just could not get up the gusto to go do it. I decided to just head back into town later when I was feeling up to it and get them then. After coming home and getting a few things done around the house, and I mean a very few, I started thinking about getting groceries. Let me tell you, the thought started terrorizing me. Overwhelming feelings of anxiety and stress flooded my mind and body. The thought of driving into town, walking around a huge store with tons of people in it made me really start to feel ill mentally and physically.

I have read so many things that tell me sometimes you just have to do things you do not want to do...but how? How do you force yourself to do simply little tasks when your brain tells you there is no way you can do it? What is the magic formula to stop your brain from feeling the way it does? Do you just sit back and wait for the feelings to go away (which could be a long time) or do you push through and accomplish the task anyway?

Before I forget, I did quickly realize I forgot to take my second dose of Metadate, so I am hopeful that once it kicks in I will feel like doing what I need to get done. But if it doesn't, then what? I guess I just sit and endure the guilt of not being able to go do such a simply thing like getting groceries and try to deal with it. It is so hard though. The little things I want to do, but my brain will not cooperate with me and so I have to just feel stuck...But I must keep telling myself, this too shall pass, it will not last forever, I can do it later. If I don't take care of the little things guess what? They will turn into a massive case of bipolar episodes, and that is definitely not worth getting groceries for.