Keep Doing What Your'e Doing

The sun shines today, it is cold, but the sun is still shining! I have been in "remission" for nine days. I can hardly believe it because it has been a very long time since I have felt this good. One thing I have to remember is that this is usually the time when I quit taking care of myself and start living for everyone else.
I did this the other day. It was a busy day of doctor's appointments and children's needs and before I knew it the day was done and it was about time for bed. I started to feel extremely anxious, telling myself I needed more time in my day because I had forgotten to care for myself. I ended up having to take a Clonopin to calm myself down and went to bed.
So how do we take care of ourselves when we really feel on top of our game? When our mind is finally settled down and we can actually find happiness throughout our day? That is the big question, but the answer is simple. Do what we would do if we were feeling unstable, depressed, or manic. We keep fighting, learning, listening, and talking.
If you would normally sleep when you are depressed then take a shorter nap even when you are not depressed. If you would normally blog about your feelings when they are "off" then blog about your feelings when they are stable. If you normally use coping skills to get you through your days then research new coping skills and keep them fresh and interesting.
Just a few reminders to yourself throughout the day will keep you on your toes for when your mood decides to start bouncing again. Little tricks, like trying to keep the same routines can really help you keep yourself from becoming bombarded when you are feeling good! So take some time out today just for you, do something you enjoy, and make yourself smile!

"Normal" Emotions

Many times when we have that official diagnosis of bipolar or depression people do not realize we are actually capable of displaying so called "normal" emotions. Believe it or not there are times when I get mad because someone did something stupid. Believe it or not sometimes I do get sad because something has affected me and caused sadness. Believe it or not sometimes I am happy because I am simply in a good mood.
Not every blasted emotion is a result of our mental illness! We are still human, we still feel, we do still have times of so called "normalcy". I realize our emotions can be up and down some days, but there are other days where our emotions are in balance and we are just trying to live life as every other "normal" person out there.
I had this experience tonight with my husband. Something he did made me mad. It did not make me manic, I wasn't feeling bipolar, I was feeling anger...100% "normal" anger! As I was trying to tell him why he had made me so mad he told me I was starting to get "wound up". Really? "Wound up"! Believe it or not I had all my thoughts completely together, I was simply displaying realistic anger, and I was damn proud of the way I was handling myself. I was very far from "wound up".
So next time someone with a mental illness feels angry, sad, or happy, don't jump to the conclusion that their illness is talking (or yelling in my case). Stop for a moment and consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, they are feeling an emotion that most people just understand and consider "normal".

Bipolar or ADHD? Who knows!

I have tried, over the last few days, to focus less on my illness and more on God and life in general. I haven't failed miserable, but I have failed. My focus still tends to be on my bipolar disorder and ADHD. I have not had a bout with depression in about two months so obviously I have not focused on that. Thank goodness for one less thing!
It is pretty difficult to have both bipolar disorder and ADHD, ya never know which one is flaring up because they look so similar. I tend to think it is mainly my ADHD because the thing I notice most with the bipolar is the dysphoric mania. But then again I tend to overanalyze everything I do so maybe it is the bipolar disorder.
Another thing I tend to do is research the crap out of my disorders and then forget everything I just reserached. See what I mean? Which is it? Bipolar disorder or ADHD? It can be very frustrating for anyone who deals with either one or both!
So tonight I am going to do some reading on both and figure out what the issue is because there has got to be a more level playing field for my brain than this. The ups and downs, some say rapid cycling, are annoying, but I honestly don't know if that is what it is. How can I explain all this to my doctor if I have no idea what I am talking about and don't remember from one day to the next what symptoms I had. AGGRAVATING! Oh, and for those that think a mood journal would work, sure it would, but I cannot remember to write in it!
Oh the life of mental illness...I hate you, but I'm gonna give it a whirl to figure all this out!

My New Focus

I am on a mission today, a mission to change my focus and my thinking towards something I have been setting off to the side. I have lived and breathed my illnesses over the last few months I have researched and studied bipolar disorder, depression, and ADHD so much that it is pretty much all I think about 24/7. I thought I was doing the "smart" thing by helping myself to understand more about the illnesses, finding ways to cope, and looking for answers to just "get better". I kept telling myself there had to be a purpose for my life, but I had no idea what it was. I knew I wanted to help others who struggle, but I couldn't figure out how I could do enough to fulfill my ever empty soul.
It hit me this morning. Where is God in all this? Why have I not researched Him more? Why I have I not spent every moment living and breathing Him and what He has to say about purpose, coping, and healing? Was I afraid of what people might think? Maybe, I think so, unfortunately yes.
I put my faith in God when I was just a little girl and I have had my ups and downs with God. I struggle and I am human. But one thing always remains and that is His love and compassion for me. I know mental illness cannot be prayed away. I also know that menetal illness was not given to us because of sin in our lives. I would never tell anyone that God is punishing them because they do not follow Him or that if they would just follow Him they would be healed. I don't believe that to be true at all!
What I do believe to be true is that only God knows our true passion for our lives. Only He can give us the purpose in our pain. Only He loves us enough to completely understand what we are going through. And only He can offer us the true hope we need in our lives.
So I am starting this new focus and thinking plan today. I am not going to live and breathe my illnesses but I am going to live and breathe the only One who truly has the answers I need for my life. I will still fail miserabley at times. I will still get depressed. I will still deal with the dysphoric mania that somtimes consumes me, but I will continue to get back up with the help of my perfect Friend, Jesus!

Dear Bipolar and Depression

Dear Bipolar and Depression,
I think by now you know how much I hate you both! Just the thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. My mind swirls with outrage at what you do to people. You try so hard to take lives and spin them out of control. You debilitate and cause amazing people to really feel the hopelessness that you have to offer.
You try to cause confussion, anger, sadness, frustration, outrage, and extremely low self worth. You try to make relationships fail by tearing apart loved ones who stand in the path of your destruction. You try to torture innocent people with your unending attacks on ones mind. You work and work day in and day out, you are tireless at executing your plans.
But let me tell you something dear bipolar and depression...You will NOT take me down without a fight! Just when you think you have me in your grasp I promise to wiggle my way out and when I break free I will come back at you with a vengence.
You cannot control me because I am strong...I am a fighter...I am your worse nightmere. I have fought this battle with you for so many years and I know what it takes to survive. I know your little tricks and I know the turns you take. But you know what? I am smarter, braver, and have more passion inside of me then you can even imagine.
The world is full of innocent people that you try to devour, but these people are strong too. Like me they know how to wage this war against you both. They are survivors as well. They have hope and determintation that puts you to shame. They have stood up time and time again only to have you try to knock them down. But guess what? They will continue to stand up and eventually you will feel their wrath.
I want you to know you have not won this battle of our minds and you never will. The world is standing up together and making some noise. We are who we are, we are loud, and we are proud! So understand this, you are NOTHING, we are EVERYTHING, and we will continue to put YOU to shame until our time on earth is done!

Let's Break Some Stuff

The morning started out as every other morning. I woke up to my husband bringing me coffee, take my blood sugar, swallow a fist full of pills, and rub on some orange and peppermint oil (for mood). I have nothing planned for the day (mistake number 1) so I head out to the kitchen to clean up after the kids. I get the kitchen cleaned and decide to head into the living room and start my social media adventure.
The first thing I notice is that there hasn't been very many views on my blog (discouragement number 1), then I notice there hasn't been much activity on my FB page Hope in Hillsdale County (discouragement number 2), and finally I check my Youtube video and see only two views (discouragement number 3). Discouragement is just me being impatient and expecting myself to be way better at something than I am...Did I mention discouragement leads to depression?
I then decide to watch some television, maybe that will perk my day up...nope. The discouragement and the fact that I have nothing planned for the day has already done a number on my little bipolar brain! And then it hits me...like a bolt of lightening...ANGER!
I get my husbands attention by throwing a candle and smashing it against the bedroom door, all the while I am yelling profanity and horrible things about myself to my husband. Since that didn't affect him I decide to throw some more stuff while my brain screams in aggony and more hurtful and abusive things fly out of my mouth.
After breaking a few more things, throwing a small dresser across the room, and my husband walking out because he cannot take anymore, I throw myself on the bed and cry. Just as quickly as it came on, it ended. I am left to clean up the physical and emotional mess I have made.
I am very lucky to be married to someone who forgives me as quickly as my episode began. However, the hurt I caused cannot be forgotten. I ask myself, "Why did you not see the triggers?" "Why did you not fight harder to control the anger?" "Why can I not experience manic episodes of euphoria instead of anger?" So many unanswered questions that I have to live with...
Tonight I sit here drained, with so many questions rolling around in my already overwhelmed brain. Discouraged that I just cannot figure out how to take control of my brain. But I try to tell myself, I have a mental disorder and my brain will never function normally. I have to pick myself back up and try again, but most importantly I have to be patient with myself, forgive myself, and love who I am, functioning brain or not!

Manic Rage

I hate bipolar. I hate mania. I hate depression. I hate being fine one minute and not the next. The snow won't stop, I can't go anywhere, I am tired of television, radio, painting, drawing, playing games, and eating. I have done every single thing that I am supposed to do in order to work through the mood changes today, but it is not working. I am depressed because I cannot go outside or go for a drive or visit a friend. I cannot do anything but sit inside and watch it snow.
Being depressed about this has just turned into anger and I mean anger that is worse than a raging bull! I want to scream at the top of my lungs, throw glass objects at the windows, cuss out anyone that comes into my path, drive reckelessly down a freeway in the wrong direction, beat myself in the head and beat anyone else in the head that tries to make me feel better.
This crap is real and it hurts....IT FREAKING HURTS! When all you want is to feel OK, relaxed, happy, NORMAL, but you can't. You just can't no matter how hard you try! Is this the part where I am just supposed to go to a quiet room, stuff the emotions down, and FEEL my way through the anger and depression?
I'm talking out loud. I'm pouring my heart out into this blog and all I keep thinking is how bad this sucks...it's not fair...and I'm tired of it! Give me more than a couple days of normalcy...I want weeks of it! This is ridiculous, I'm pissed off, and I'm freaking exhausted!

Thankfulness

When I started this social media "journey" I never thought it would become as important to me as it is. I started this journey only a few short weeks ago and I started it in hopes that my story would reach many people who struggle with the same things I struggle with. I had hopes that people's lives would be touched, they would feel a sense of support, and know that together we can survive our mental illness and stand up for each other in the fight against the stigma.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much support I have received over the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed with the love and encouragemnt that is offered through Twitter, Facebook, and even this blog. I thank anyone and everyone reading this to know how much I appreciate being able to share with you. I am blessed to be able to use my words to pour my heart out to people I do not even know.
I want to encourage everyone out there to use your words and reach out to others. Sharing your story through blogging or another avenue out there can come back and bless you more than you realize. And please know this...If anyone needs support, and I mean ANYONE...PLEASE reach out to me. Let me try to be the support you need...My desire is to pay it forward and help, as so many have helped me!

I Will Fight

I get mad, furious, and so outraged I can throw a dish across the room. I get sad, depressed, and cry so much that I run out of tears. I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged to the point of feeling hopeless. But I also can be so happy that I feel my soul will overflow with joy.
I have experienced abuse at the hand of someone I thought loved me and felt the pain of being left to stand on my own. But I have also felt the warm embrace from a man who truly does love me. A man who holds my hand when I am scared, who wipes the tears from my face when I am sad, who lifts me up when I have fallen, and who challenges me every day to fight my battles with everything I am.
At 37 years old I have already fought an overwhelming amount of battles that no one should ever have to fight, but yet so many of us do. We fight and we fight and we fight some more. And no matter how many times we hear those words...fighting makes you stronger...we have a hard time believing it. But it is so true. With every battle we fight we do gain strength. It isn't the battle that makes us strong, it is the fight within us.
I am unique, creative, loving, kind, caring, supportive, loud, and proud. I am proud of who I am, proud of where I have come from, and proud of where I am going in life. I am proud of how hard I have fought to win this battle against mental illness. And I will continue to fight with all that I am. I will fight for myself, but I will also fight for others.
I will fight for those people who feel they are alone, abandoned, and afraid...I will stand up to those who call us "psycho", "crazy", "insane", and let them know exactly what they are up against. They are  up against individuals who never know, from one day to the next, what they will feel or experience, yet they survive. Individuals who can be in the depths of despair, yet pull themselves out and survive. Individuals who never stop fighting no matter what the odds and no matter what the battle is. Individuals like you and me! Fighters with the greatest will in the world to survive!

You Are Not Alone

This disease is real...it hurts...it debilitates...we have got to get the word out there and help others. The pain is real, the emotions are exhausting, this disease takes its toll on thousands of lives. More support groups need formed, more groups need to be available through social media, and we need to get our stories out there so others can relate.

There is strength in numbers. We need to stand up and stand strong against this mental illness. We need to encourage others by reaching out and lending our ear to hear their stories. We need to throw away the fear inside us. We have to be a light to let others know they are not alone!

I stood alone last night, not knowing where to turn. I truly believe there needs to be more avenues of support out there. Some type of social media system where you can turn at any time of any day and someone who understands your struggle will answer you. I searched a lot last night looking for someone to talk to. I preferred someone who did not know me so that I could just open my heart and pour out my feelings. But alas, there was no one...

I want to be an avenue for others to share with. I want to be the start of something great. I want to serve others in a way that has not been done before. I will find a way...I will allow myself to be used to my fullest potential!