"Normal" Emotions

Many times when we have that official diagnosis of bipolar or depression people do not realize we are actually capable of displaying so called "normal" emotions. Believe it or not there are times when I get mad because someone did something stupid. Believe it or not sometimes I do get sad because something has affected me and caused sadness. Believe it or not sometimes I am happy because I am simply in a good mood.
Not every blasted emotion is a result of our mental illness! We are still human, we still feel, we do still have times of so called "normalcy". I realize our emotions can be up and down some days, but there are other days where our emotions are in balance and we are just trying to live life as every other "normal" person out there.
I had this experience tonight with my husband. Something he did made me mad. It did not make me manic, I wasn't feeling bipolar, I was feeling anger...100% "normal" anger! As I was trying to tell him why he had made me so mad he told me I was starting to get "wound up". Really? "Wound up"! Believe it or not I had all my thoughts completely together, I was simply displaying realistic anger, and I was damn proud of the way I was handling myself. I was very far from "wound up".
So next time someone with a mental illness feels angry, sad, or happy, don't jump to the conclusion that their illness is talking (or yelling in my case). Stop for a moment and consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, they are feeling an emotion that most people just understand and consider "normal".

Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

Let's Break Some Stuff

The morning started out as every other morning. I woke up to my husband bringing me coffee, take my blood sugar, swallow a fist full of pills, and rub on some orange and peppermint oil (for mood). I have nothing planned for the day (mistake number 1) so I head out to the kitchen to clean up after the kids. I get the kitchen cleaned and decide to head into the living room and start my social media adventure.
The first thing I notice is that there hasn't been very many views on my blog (discouragement number 1), then I notice there hasn't been much activity on my FB page Hope in Hillsdale County (discouragement number 2), and finally I check my Youtube video and see only two views (discouragement number 3). Discouragement is just me being impatient and expecting myself to be way better at something than I am...Did I mention discouragement leads to depression?
I then decide to watch some television, maybe that will perk my day up...nope. The discouragement and the fact that I have nothing planned for the day has already done a number on my little bipolar brain! And then it hits me...like a bolt of lightening...ANGER!
I get my husbands attention by throwing a candle and smashing it against the bedroom door, all the while I am yelling profanity and horrible things about myself to my husband. Since that didn't affect him I decide to throw some more stuff while my brain screams in aggony and more hurtful and abusive things fly out of my mouth.
After breaking a few more things, throwing a small dresser across the room, and my husband walking out because he cannot take anymore, I throw myself on the bed and cry. Just as quickly as it came on, it ended. I am left to clean up the physical and emotional mess I have made.
I am very lucky to be married to someone who forgives me as quickly as my episode began. However, the hurt I caused cannot be forgotten. I ask myself, "Why did you not see the triggers?" "Why did you not fight harder to control the anger?" "Why can I not experience manic episodes of euphoria instead of anger?" So many unanswered questions that I have to live with...
Tonight I sit here drained, with so many questions rolling around in my already overwhelmed brain. Discouraged that I just cannot figure out how to take control of my brain. But I try to tell myself, I have a mental disorder and my brain will never function normally. I have to pick myself back up and try again, but most importantly I have to be patient with myself, forgive myself, and love who I am, functioning brain or not!

Manic Rage

I hate bipolar. I hate mania. I hate depression. I hate being fine one minute and not the next. The snow won't stop, I can't go anywhere, I am tired of television, radio, painting, drawing, playing games, and eating. I have done every single thing that I am supposed to do in order to work through the mood changes today, but it is not working. I am depressed because I cannot go outside or go for a drive or visit a friend. I cannot do anything but sit inside and watch it snow.
Being depressed about this has just turned into anger and I mean anger that is worse than a raging bull! I want to scream at the top of my lungs, throw glass objects at the windows, cuss out anyone that comes into my path, drive reckelessly down a freeway in the wrong direction, beat myself in the head and beat anyone else in the head that tries to make me feel better.
This crap is real and it hurts....IT FREAKING HURTS! When all you want is to feel OK, relaxed, happy, NORMAL, but you can't. You just can't no matter how hard you try! Is this the part where I am just supposed to go to a quiet room, stuff the emotions down, and FEEL my way through the anger and depression?
I'm talking out loud. I'm pouring my heart out into this blog and all I keep thinking is how bad this sucks...it's not fair...and I'm tired of it! Give me more than a couple days of normalcy...I want weeks of it! This is ridiculous, I'm pissed off, and I'm freaking exhausted!