Bipolar or ADHD? Who knows!

I have tried, over the last few days, to focus less on my illness and more on God and life in general. I haven't failed miserable, but I have failed. My focus still tends to be on my bipolar disorder and ADHD. I have not had a bout with depression in about two months so obviously I have not focused on that. Thank goodness for one less thing!
It is pretty difficult to have both bipolar disorder and ADHD, ya never know which one is flaring up because they look so similar. I tend to think it is mainly my ADHD because the thing I notice most with the bipolar is the dysphoric mania. But then again I tend to overanalyze everything I do so maybe it is the bipolar disorder.
Another thing I tend to do is research the crap out of my disorders and then forget everything I just reserached. See what I mean? Which is it? Bipolar disorder or ADHD? It can be very frustrating for anyone who deals with either one or both!
So tonight I am going to do some reading on both and figure out what the issue is because there has got to be a more level playing field for my brain than this. The ups and downs, some say rapid cycling, are annoying, but I honestly don't know if that is what it is. How can I explain all this to my doctor if I have no idea what I am talking about and don't remember from one day to the next what symptoms I had. AGGRAVATING! Oh, and for those that think a mood journal would work, sure it would, but I cannot remember to write in it!
Oh the life of mental illness...I hate you, but I'm gonna give it a whirl to figure all this out!

Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

Does It Feel Good To Feel Bad?

Sometimes it just feels good to feel bad...Why? Well, here is my take on it. There are many times I fall into a deep depression and my mind races with every negative thought I can possibly think of. I reminice about all the bad things that ever happend to me. I call myself names like loser, fatty, ugly, and stupid. I tell myself how worthless I am, no one loves me, no one cares about me, you might as well be dead, etc. I spend a great amount of time tearing myself down.

I did this today, for a bit, and then something came out of my mouth that I didn't even think about. I said, "It's too hard to try and feel better, it is just easier to sit here and let the depression swallow me whole." Isn't that true? The best thing to do always seems like the hardest, at least for me.

It was so easy for me to sit there and think of negative things, they flowed out of my brain like a giant waterfall. In order to think of positive things I had to struggle and fight and I didn't want to do that. But eventually I had to start envisioning that light at the end of the long dark tunnel I was in. I had to push aside all the negatives and start turning my attention to even the smallest positive thing I could think of. I tried to think of how miserable I felt and ask myself if I really wanted to continue down a miserable path or if I wanted to actually feel better.
My mind started pushing through the negative and coming up with positives to replace those thoughts. I thought about the fact that I had a husband who loves me, three amazing kids who need their mom healthy and happy, I even thought about my pets and how they needed me to take care of them. I realized once I started thinking of positve things in my life it became easier and easier to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.
When we get to that dark place that doesn't seem to want to let go of us we have to ask ourselves how long we really want to feel that way. I think everyone wants to feel better, it is just the issue of how to get there. We have to learn to stop the negative thinking as quick as possible and turn our attention to our blessings rather than our misfortunes. As always we just have to fight another day!

Mood Change Again

What a weird day...not sure what kind of mood I am in. The day started out just ok, not really up or down...pretty much just "normal". I felt a big on edge by the time the afternoon started, but I fought the good fight and made it until my second dose of Metadate. About twenty minutes after taking the Metadate I started feeling better. I felt more focused and energized which then leads to happiness...hoorah!
My biggest problem tonight was when I started thinking of the things I HAD to do. Even though they were little things such as, making my son dinner, packing his lunch for tomorrow, and making sure he worked on his science fair project, they overwhelmed me in about 2.5 seconds. I do not do well when I know I HAVE to do something. Why is that? I just get so overwhelmed!
My chest feels heavy and my brain feels bored...trying to watch a movie...just not feeling the best. Where did all the joy go from yesterday...I had a great day yesterday, it was awesome. I get so tired of the mood changes...pure exhaustion! The worst part is going to bed and having no idea how I am going to feel in the morning...it just scares me so much!