I Will Fight

I get mad, furious, and so outraged I can throw a dish across the room. I get sad, depressed, and cry so much that I run out of tears. I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged to the point of feeling hopeless. But I also can be so happy that I feel my soul will overflow with joy.
I have experienced abuse at the hand of someone I thought loved me and felt the pain of being left to stand on my own. But I have also felt the warm embrace from a man who truly does love me. A man who holds my hand when I am scared, who wipes the tears from my face when I am sad, who lifts me up when I have fallen, and who challenges me every day to fight my battles with everything I am.
At 37 years old I have already fought an overwhelming amount of battles that no one should ever have to fight, but yet so many of us do. We fight and we fight and we fight some more. And no matter how many times we hear those words...fighting makes you stronger...we have a hard time believing it. But it is so true. With every battle we fight we do gain strength. It isn't the battle that makes us strong, it is the fight within us.
I am unique, creative, loving, kind, caring, supportive, loud, and proud. I am proud of who I am, proud of where I have come from, and proud of where I am going in life. I am proud of how hard I have fought to win this battle against mental illness. And I will continue to fight with all that I am. I will fight for myself, but I will also fight for others.
I will fight for those people who feel they are alone, abandoned, and afraid...I will stand up to those who call us "psycho", "crazy", "insane", and let them know exactly what they are up against. They are  up against individuals who never know, from one day to the next, what they will feel or experience, yet they survive. Individuals who can be in the depths of despair, yet pull themselves out and survive. Individuals who never stop fighting no matter what the odds and no matter what the battle is. Individuals like you and me! Fighters with the greatest will in the world to survive!

Tips For Coping

I wanted to share some coping tips I have learned during my journey of struggling with bipolar and depression. I hope you find at least one of these tips helpful as you continue to live your life with strength and courage. A lot of the tips include making lists which can be extremely beneficial when you deal with a brain that just does not want to function a lot of the time. So here goes...

1. First and foremost you must pray over everything! Talk to God throughout the day, when you are happy, sad, mad, etc. God understands and He is ALWAYS there to listen.
2. Second most important thing, do not wait to find a good counselor. No matter how strong you think you are get a counselor to help talk through all the many emotions you feel from day to day.
3. Make lists! This is key to help you figure out where you are in your life, what you have gone through, good or bad.
4. List your blessings daily, no matter how large or small, list them all. Try to list at least five a day, I bet you will find you have much more that that!
5. List the good things about yourself, do not be afraid to list ANYTHING.
6. List your support system, friends, family, pastors, counselors, etc.
7. List the different ways you can de-stress when you feel like you are losing control. Examples: take a hot bath, listen to a good song, call a friend, read encouraging quotes, etc.
8. Be involved as much as possible in a church, book club, online forums, or other social club.
9. Never be afraid to cry! Crying really does heal your soul. With every tear shed it is one step closer to feeling whole again. Tears do not show weakness, they show the building of strength!

I hope some of these may help and I look forward to sharing more thoughts throughout my journey!

Short Story...Never Alone

Never Alone

By

Cristy A. Brown

She sat in her room not knowing where to turn. Her mind was racing. Was she happy, sad, angry, tired? What was going on she thought? Why was this happening to her? She felt a huge darkness swelling up inside her soul. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she was scared, tired, and alone.

The night before, Janice finally broke. She had taken what would be her last beating – emotionally and physically – from her husband. After years of abuse, it finally appeared to have ended with her husband’s words of finality, “I am leaving you.” Although Janice was scared of what was going to happen, she felt a wave of relief whirling through her mind and body. Though she would be alone, she would not have to endure any more damage brought on by years of abuse. However, the abuse was not over; it would continue to haunt her in ways she had never dreamed.

The day after Janice finally broke, she decided she needed to see someone. She made an appointment with her doctor and started the greatest and most difficult journey of her life. After discussing her horrible night with her doctor, he suggested she see a psychiatrist. Janice did not understand. Why would she need to see a psychiatrist? She wasn't crazy, and everyone associates a psychiatrist with someone who is crazy. What was going on? Janice once again felt a great sense of fear. Her fear turned to great panic and an overwhelming surge of sadness. Why was this happening? She just didn't understand. But crazy or not, she decided to at least go and talk to the psychiatrist.

Janice was exhausted the night before her appointment, but she could not sleep. Her mind raced with a million thoughts of what the next day would bring. She could not control the tears as they streamed down her face. But the more she cried, the more she felt a sense of anger welling up inside her. She tried to hide this from her husband, after all, he was leaving soon anyway, and he didn't care; no one cared. Janice was alone.

From the next room her husband heard her cries. He stumbled into the bedroom and started making fun of her. He asked why she was being such a baby and told her to get over it and to grow up. Janice felt as though she would burst! She could not ignore the anger that was growing deeper and deeper. She lashed out yelling and screaming at her husband, telling him all the things he wanted to hear.

Janice felt worthless, like garbage. No one cared and no one ever would. He yelled back agreeing with her that she was worthless and confirmed that no one would ever love her. He could obviously see she was just crazy. He told her she had always been crazy; that she needed locked up somewhere forever. Then those horrific words – the words that uncaring people say – came out of his mouth, “Janice, you should just kill yourself.”

Janice ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and reached for her husband’s razor blade. She told herself it would just be better this way. No one needed her and no one loved her. The one person she trusted most just told her to end her life. How could life ever get better? I must be crazy she told herself; no one acts like this; no one feels like this...why am I so alone?

What Janice didn't know is that she wasn't alone. Thousands of individuals just like her suffer on a daily basis. But Janice had never heard of “others”. She had only heard that people who suffer from mental illness are crazy. That was the stigma. Janice didn't know what bipolar disorder and depression were. She didn't know it was something that could be brought on by emotional and physical abuse. What Janice did not know could have very easily ended her life that night. But it didn't. Janice made it through that horrific night and used her pain in a way that would help others.

Janice was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression brought on by PTSD. She had suffered for so long, and the results of emotional and physical abuse had really taken a toll on her mind. Janice was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and began a medication regimen that would change her life. She started therapy and began to help others by sharing her story of survival.

Now Janice is nationally known for her story. She has started many support groups for those who struggle with bipolar disorder and depression. She has shared her story far and wide, letting others know she is not ashamed because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Her story is powerful and well known by thousands of those who share her pain. She has saved lives through her story. Most importantly though, she has shared her story of strength. Janice is not defined by her disorders, she defines them. She is the hope people need. She is strength!