My New Focus

I am on a mission today, a mission to change my focus and my thinking towards something I have been setting off to the side. I have lived and breathed my illnesses over the last few months I have researched and studied bipolar disorder, depression, and ADHD so much that it is pretty much all I think about 24/7. I thought I was doing the "smart" thing by helping myself to understand more about the illnesses, finding ways to cope, and looking for answers to just "get better". I kept telling myself there had to be a purpose for my life, but I had no idea what it was. I knew I wanted to help others who struggle, but I couldn't figure out how I could do enough to fulfill my ever empty soul.
It hit me this morning. Where is God in all this? Why have I not researched Him more? Why I have I not spent every moment living and breathing Him and what He has to say about purpose, coping, and healing? Was I afraid of what people might think? Maybe, I think so, unfortunately yes.
I put my faith in God when I was just a little girl and I have had my ups and downs with God. I struggle and I am human. But one thing always remains and that is His love and compassion for me. I know mental illness cannot be prayed away. I also know that menetal illness was not given to us because of sin in our lives. I would never tell anyone that God is punishing them because they do not follow Him or that if they would just follow Him they would be healed. I don't believe that to be true at all!
What I do believe to be true is that only God knows our true passion for our lives. Only He can give us the purpose in our pain. Only He loves us enough to completely understand what we are going through. And only He can offer us the true hope we need in our lives.
So I am starting this new focus and thinking plan today. I am not going to live and breathe my illnesses but I am going to live and breathe the only One who truly has the answers I need for my life. I will still fail miserabley at times. I will still get depressed. I will still deal with the dysphoric mania that somtimes consumes me, but I will continue to get back up with the help of my perfect Friend, Jesus!

Dear Bipolar and Depression

Dear Bipolar and Depression,
I think by now you know how much I hate you both! Just the thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. My mind swirls with outrage at what you do to people. You try so hard to take lives and spin them out of control. You debilitate and cause amazing people to really feel the hopelessness that you have to offer.
You try to cause confussion, anger, sadness, frustration, outrage, and extremely low self worth. You try to make relationships fail by tearing apart loved ones who stand in the path of your destruction. You try to torture innocent people with your unending attacks on ones mind. You work and work day in and day out, you are tireless at executing your plans.
But let me tell you something dear bipolar and depression...You will NOT take me down without a fight! Just when you think you have me in your grasp I promise to wiggle my way out and when I break free I will come back at you with a vengence.
You cannot control me because I am strong...I am a fighter...I am your worse nightmere. I have fought this battle with you for so many years and I know what it takes to survive. I know your little tricks and I know the turns you take. But you know what? I am smarter, braver, and have more passion inside of me then you can even imagine.
The world is full of innocent people that you try to devour, but these people are strong too. Like me they know how to wage this war against you both. They are survivors as well. They have hope and determintation that puts you to shame. They have stood up time and time again only to have you try to knock them down. But guess what? They will continue to stand up and eventually you will feel their wrath.
I want you to know you have not won this battle of our minds and you never will. The world is standing up together and making some noise. We are who we are, we are loud, and we are proud! So understand this, you are NOTHING, we are EVERYTHING, and we will continue to put YOU to shame until our time on earth is done!

Youtube Video Link

Just letting everyone know I just published my first video...Check it out. I am new at this so don't judge me too harshly :) Just trying to get the message of hope out there for those who struggle like me. I hope to do more videos about mental illness in the near future. Thanks!

http://youtu.be/nqVZTkC9fS8

Short Story...Never Alone

Never Alone

By

Cristy A. Brown

She sat in her room not knowing where to turn. Her mind was racing. Was she happy, sad, angry, tired? What was going on she thought? Why was this happening to her? She felt a huge darkness swelling up inside her soul. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she was scared, tired, and alone.

The night before, Janice finally broke. She had taken what would be her last beating – emotionally and physically – from her husband. After years of abuse, it finally appeared to have ended with her husband’s words of finality, “I am leaving you.” Although Janice was scared of what was going to happen, she felt a wave of relief whirling through her mind and body. Though she would be alone, she would not have to endure any more damage brought on by years of abuse. However, the abuse was not over; it would continue to haunt her in ways she had never dreamed.

The day after Janice finally broke, she decided she needed to see someone. She made an appointment with her doctor and started the greatest and most difficult journey of her life. After discussing her horrible night with her doctor, he suggested she see a psychiatrist. Janice did not understand. Why would she need to see a psychiatrist? She wasn't crazy, and everyone associates a psychiatrist with someone who is crazy. What was going on? Janice once again felt a great sense of fear. Her fear turned to great panic and an overwhelming surge of sadness. Why was this happening? She just didn't understand. But crazy or not, she decided to at least go and talk to the psychiatrist.

Janice was exhausted the night before her appointment, but she could not sleep. Her mind raced with a million thoughts of what the next day would bring. She could not control the tears as they streamed down her face. But the more she cried, the more she felt a sense of anger welling up inside her. She tried to hide this from her husband, after all, he was leaving soon anyway, and he didn't care; no one cared. Janice was alone.

From the next room her husband heard her cries. He stumbled into the bedroom and started making fun of her. He asked why she was being such a baby and told her to get over it and to grow up. Janice felt as though she would burst! She could not ignore the anger that was growing deeper and deeper. She lashed out yelling and screaming at her husband, telling him all the things he wanted to hear.

Janice felt worthless, like garbage. No one cared and no one ever would. He yelled back agreeing with her that she was worthless and confirmed that no one would ever love her. He could obviously see she was just crazy. He told her she had always been crazy; that she needed locked up somewhere forever. Then those horrific words – the words that uncaring people say – came out of his mouth, “Janice, you should just kill yourself.”

Janice ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and reached for her husband’s razor blade. She told herself it would just be better this way. No one needed her and no one loved her. The one person she trusted most just told her to end her life. How could life ever get better? I must be crazy she told herself; no one acts like this; no one feels like this...why am I so alone?

What Janice didn't know is that she wasn't alone. Thousands of individuals just like her suffer on a daily basis. But Janice had never heard of “others”. She had only heard that people who suffer from mental illness are crazy. That was the stigma. Janice didn't know what bipolar disorder and depression were. She didn't know it was something that could be brought on by emotional and physical abuse. What Janice did not know could have very easily ended her life that night. But it didn't. Janice made it through that horrific night and used her pain in a way that would help others.

Janice was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression brought on by PTSD. She had suffered for so long, and the results of emotional and physical abuse had really taken a toll on her mind. Janice was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and began a medication regimen that would change her life. She started therapy and began to help others by sharing her story of survival.

Now Janice is nationally known for her story. She has started many support groups for those who struggle with bipolar disorder and depression. She has shared her story far and wide, letting others know she is not ashamed because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Her story is powerful and well known by thousands of those who share her pain. She has saved lives through her story. Most importantly though, she has shared her story of strength. Janice is not defined by her disorders, she defines them. She is the hope people need. She is strength!

Hope

The light is there, I feel it somewhere, but cannot reach it
I struggle to breathe, when will I find rest?
Emotions are overwhelming the very depths of my soul
What will come next? What is in store for me? Will this end?
I need to reach the light, I cannot let the darkness consume me...
Just one more breathe, then another, fight, just one more step
I can find the hope, I must survive, this cannot last forever
Just a little further, peek into the light, shine down on me I beg
With each breath I take the pain fades slowly, very slowly, but there is a chance
I know I can make it, there is a light ahead, it may be dim, but I see it
I reach for it slowly, watching the darkness hit my back,
My brain battles every bit of positive I feel, but I fight it back with all that I am
I'm sensing happiness, I know it is there, it is within me, if only I can grasp it
Push further, dig deeper, fight the pain...there is hope ahead
With every step I take, every breath I take, the light is overtaking the dark
The moments are passing by, the fight continues on, I see you hope, I feel you
It is shining bright, the pain is gone, I fought the fight, I may have won
Hope is here, it is in my path, I can stand tall because I found the light
Darkness will come again but I have no need to fear, hope will always win...I can do this!