The Beginning of My Story

I realized this morning I have never really introduced myself through this blog, so now might be a good time to do it. Here's my story...
At the ripe old age of six weeks old I was adopted by an amazingly, loving Christian couple and raised in a tiny little town in Michigan. I never knew anything but love and understanding growing up and was constantly reminded that God is love.
My troubles began in 1998 when I met and married a man who would change my life forever. This man did not know love, only hurt. He began physically abusing me shortly after we got together. I have been asked a million times, why did you not leave him? Well, as many abused individuals say, I loved him and I don't know why.
I gave birth to my first child in 1999 and two weeks after he was born I took a head first leap into depression. No warning signs, no small steps, nothing...just a dive into a deep black hole. Of course my husband continued the abuse and I continued taking it, falling deeper and deeper into that dark abyss.
As the years came and went I gave birth to two more amazing children, but lived in constant fear of an abusive man and a depression that came and went as often as it liked. In 2005 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was told it was due to PTSD. The abuse I had endured throughout the years had really done a number on my brain and so my life changed forever.
I struggled with hopelessness and next to no self esteem, I felt as though everything inside me had been destroyed and I would never be whole again. I fought daily for a marriage that was ending and I felt as though I had nothing left of myself.
On a rainy and gloomy day in September of 2010 I received a phone call that would add another huge piece to my story. My husband called and simply said, "I just filed for divorce, you can go pick up your papers at my attorney's office." My heart sunk and my mind raced with thoughts of fear, anger, sadness, and helplessness. I had spent 12 years living with a man who abused me almost daily, I had taken care of three children nearly on my own and fought for an abusive marriage I never should have been in in the first place. What was happening to me?
To make a very long story short, I survived. I survived the abuse, the marriage, and the divorce. It was anything but easy. At times I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed, angry at what my life had become, hopeless because I felt so alone, and even suicidal at times. My marriage was over, but it was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I no longer had to endure the abuse.
Today, I am happily married to my second husband. I have full custody of my three children and am a step mom to two awesome children.

Short Story...Never Alone

Never Alone

By

Cristy A. Brown

She sat in her room not knowing where to turn. Her mind was racing. Was she happy, sad, angry, tired? What was going on she thought? Why was this happening to her? She felt a huge darkness swelling up inside her soul. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she was scared, tired, and alone.

The night before, Janice finally broke. She had taken what would be her last beating – emotionally and physically – from her husband. After years of abuse, it finally appeared to have ended with her husband’s words of finality, “I am leaving you.” Although Janice was scared of what was going to happen, she felt a wave of relief whirling through her mind and body. Though she would be alone, she would not have to endure any more damage brought on by years of abuse. However, the abuse was not over; it would continue to haunt her in ways she had never dreamed.

The day after Janice finally broke, she decided she needed to see someone. She made an appointment with her doctor and started the greatest and most difficult journey of her life. After discussing her horrible night with her doctor, he suggested she see a psychiatrist. Janice did not understand. Why would she need to see a psychiatrist? She wasn't crazy, and everyone associates a psychiatrist with someone who is crazy. What was going on? Janice once again felt a great sense of fear. Her fear turned to great panic and an overwhelming surge of sadness. Why was this happening? She just didn't understand. But crazy or not, she decided to at least go and talk to the psychiatrist.

Janice was exhausted the night before her appointment, but she could not sleep. Her mind raced with a million thoughts of what the next day would bring. She could not control the tears as they streamed down her face. But the more she cried, the more she felt a sense of anger welling up inside her. She tried to hide this from her husband, after all, he was leaving soon anyway, and he didn't care; no one cared. Janice was alone.

From the next room her husband heard her cries. He stumbled into the bedroom and started making fun of her. He asked why she was being such a baby and told her to get over it and to grow up. Janice felt as though she would burst! She could not ignore the anger that was growing deeper and deeper. She lashed out yelling and screaming at her husband, telling him all the things he wanted to hear.

Janice felt worthless, like garbage. No one cared and no one ever would. He yelled back agreeing with her that she was worthless and confirmed that no one would ever love her. He could obviously see she was just crazy. He told her she had always been crazy; that she needed locked up somewhere forever. Then those horrific words – the words that uncaring people say – came out of his mouth, “Janice, you should just kill yourself.”

Janice ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and reached for her husband’s razor blade. She told herself it would just be better this way. No one needed her and no one loved her. The one person she trusted most just told her to end her life. How could life ever get better? I must be crazy she told herself; no one acts like this; no one feels like this...why am I so alone?

What Janice didn't know is that she wasn't alone. Thousands of individuals just like her suffer on a daily basis. But Janice had never heard of “others”. She had only heard that people who suffer from mental illness are crazy. That was the stigma. Janice didn't know what bipolar disorder and depression were. She didn't know it was something that could be brought on by emotional and physical abuse. What Janice did not know could have very easily ended her life that night. But it didn't. Janice made it through that horrific night and used her pain in a way that would help others.

Janice was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression brought on by PTSD. She had suffered for so long, and the results of emotional and physical abuse had really taken a toll on her mind. Janice was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and began a medication regimen that would change her life. She started therapy and began to help others by sharing her story of survival.

Now Janice is nationally known for her story. She has started many support groups for those who struggle with bipolar disorder and depression. She has shared her story far and wide, letting others know she is not ashamed because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Her story is powerful and well known by thousands of those who share her pain. She has saved lives through her story. Most importantly though, she has shared her story of strength. Janice is not defined by her disorders, she defines them. She is the hope people need. She is strength!