Needing Love and Support!

So much on my mind tonight, I just need to get it off my chest in no particular order because that is how my mind works. Gotta love it!
First of all I am worried about my daughter. My sweet and innocent little girl who is now a 14 year old teenager dealing with depression and a mood disorder that causes her to cut. She has cut her arms and legs to the point I cannot even fathom. Thankfully the cuts have not been too deep that they require stitches, but she will have scaring for the rest of her life. She struggles in school, not with grades (she is an A/B student), but socially. She doesn't have any friends, only a couple people she "socializes" with, but they are bad news anyways. She tries anything to fit in and was recently suspended until futher notice pending a meeting at the school which is tomorrow.
The above brings me to point two. The meeting. I have to meet with the principal, superintendent, my daughter, and her dad (of which I do not have much good to say about). I deal with my own moods on a daily basis and all I can do is pray that this meeting will go well, I will be able to handle it, and my daughter will be able to return to school this year.
Point number three, we are going on a family vacation to Tennessee in two weeks. My youngest two kids do not get along and it is going to be an eight hour drive. Am I crazy? What was I thinking? I am so worried they are going to fight and ruin the trip for everyone. Not to mention I have a hard enough time trusting my brain to behave that I worry I will worry the trip for everyone.
I cannot stand all this stuff on my mind! This all seems like some heavy stuff for me. On top of the heavy stuff I have my every day problems I worry about which are too many to list, so I won't bore you with the details. I have to get through all this and I have to remember to reach out for support and take care of myself somewhere along this rough time ahead!
SO thanks for taking the time to read this and I would greatly appreciate some love and support while I go through these trials!

Keep Doing What Your'e Doing

The sun shines today, it is cold, but the sun is still shining! I have been in "remission" for nine days. I can hardly believe it because it has been a very long time since I have felt this good. One thing I have to remember is that this is usually the time when I quit taking care of myself and start living for everyone else.
I did this the other day. It was a busy day of doctor's appointments and children's needs and before I knew it the day was done and it was about time for bed. I started to feel extremely anxious, telling myself I needed more time in my day because I had forgotten to care for myself. I ended up having to take a Clonopin to calm myself down and went to bed.
So how do we take care of ourselves when we really feel on top of our game? When our mind is finally settled down and we can actually find happiness throughout our day? That is the big question, but the answer is simple. Do what we would do if we were feeling unstable, depressed, or manic. We keep fighting, learning, listening, and talking.
If you would normally sleep when you are depressed then take a shorter nap even when you are not depressed. If you would normally blog about your feelings when they are "off" then blog about your feelings when they are stable. If you normally use coping skills to get you through your days then research new coping skills and keep them fresh and interesting.
Just a few reminders to yourself throughout the day will keep you on your toes for when your mood decides to start bouncing again. Little tricks, like trying to keep the same routines can really help you keep yourself from becoming bombarded when you are feeling good! So take some time out today just for you, do something you enjoy, and make yourself smile!

"Normal" Emotions

Many times when we have that official diagnosis of bipolar or depression people do not realize we are actually capable of displaying so called "normal" emotions. Believe it or not there are times when I get mad because someone did something stupid. Believe it or not sometimes I do get sad because something has affected me and caused sadness. Believe it or not sometimes I am happy because I am simply in a good mood.
Not every blasted emotion is a result of our mental illness! We are still human, we still feel, we do still have times of so called "normalcy". I realize our emotions can be up and down some days, but there are other days where our emotions are in balance and we are just trying to live life as every other "normal" person out there.
I had this experience tonight with my husband. Something he did made me mad. It did not make me manic, I wasn't feeling bipolar, I was feeling anger...100% "normal" anger! As I was trying to tell him why he had made me so mad he told me I was starting to get "wound up". Really? "Wound up"! Believe it or not I had all my thoughts completely together, I was simply displaying realistic anger, and I was damn proud of the way I was handling myself. I was very far from "wound up".
So next time someone with a mental illness feels angry, sad, or happy, don't jump to the conclusion that their illness is talking (or yelling in my case). Stop for a moment and consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, they are feeling an emotion that most people just understand and consider "normal".

Bipolar or ADHD? Who knows!

I have tried, over the last few days, to focus less on my illness and more on God and life in general. I haven't failed miserable, but I have failed. My focus still tends to be on my bipolar disorder and ADHD. I have not had a bout with depression in about two months so obviously I have not focused on that. Thank goodness for one less thing!
It is pretty difficult to have both bipolar disorder and ADHD, ya never know which one is flaring up because they look so similar. I tend to think it is mainly my ADHD because the thing I notice most with the bipolar is the dysphoric mania. But then again I tend to overanalyze everything I do so maybe it is the bipolar disorder.
Another thing I tend to do is research the crap out of my disorders and then forget everything I just reserached. See what I mean? Which is it? Bipolar disorder or ADHD? It can be very frustrating for anyone who deals with either one or both!
So tonight I am going to do some reading on both and figure out what the issue is because there has got to be a more level playing field for my brain than this. The ups and downs, some say rapid cycling, are annoying, but I honestly don't know if that is what it is. How can I explain all this to my doctor if I have no idea what I am talking about and don't remember from one day to the next what symptoms I had. AGGRAVATING! Oh, and for those that think a mood journal would work, sure it would, but I cannot remember to write in it!
Oh the life of mental illness...I hate you, but I'm gonna give it a whirl to figure all this out!

My New Focus

I am on a mission today, a mission to change my focus and my thinking towards something I have been setting off to the side. I have lived and breathed my illnesses over the last few months I have researched and studied bipolar disorder, depression, and ADHD so much that it is pretty much all I think about 24/7. I thought I was doing the "smart" thing by helping myself to understand more about the illnesses, finding ways to cope, and looking for answers to just "get better". I kept telling myself there had to be a purpose for my life, but I had no idea what it was. I knew I wanted to help others who struggle, but I couldn't figure out how I could do enough to fulfill my ever empty soul.
It hit me this morning. Where is God in all this? Why have I not researched Him more? Why I have I not spent every moment living and breathing Him and what He has to say about purpose, coping, and healing? Was I afraid of what people might think? Maybe, I think so, unfortunately yes.
I put my faith in God when I was just a little girl and I have had my ups and downs with God. I struggle and I am human. But one thing always remains and that is His love and compassion for me. I know mental illness cannot be prayed away. I also know that menetal illness was not given to us because of sin in our lives. I would never tell anyone that God is punishing them because they do not follow Him or that if they would just follow Him they would be healed. I don't believe that to be true at all!
What I do believe to be true is that only God knows our true passion for our lives. Only He can give us the purpose in our pain. Only He loves us enough to completely understand what we are going through. And only He can offer us the true hope we need in our lives.
So I am starting this new focus and thinking plan today. I am not going to live and breathe my illnesses but I am going to live and breathe the only One who truly has the answers I need for my life. I will still fail miserabley at times. I will still get depressed. I will still deal with the dysphoric mania that somtimes consumes me, but I will continue to get back up with the help of my perfect Friend, Jesus!

Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

New Medications

Medication changes can be so aggravating. I already feel like a walking pharmacy and when medications seem to just quit working it can lead to overwhelming feelins of frustration! So I wanted to take a minute to talk about my medication and how it seems to be affecting me.
Over the last 15 years I have been on a large variety of medications, some I cannot even remember. It seemed like every time I was put on something it worked for a few weeks and then BOOM it seemed to stop working altogether. This can be so frustrating when all you want to do is feel normal, happy, and be able to enjoy life.
Over the past two weeks my dysphoric mania has seemed to be relentless. I have struggled daily with episodes and no matter what I tried nothing helped. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he prescribed Depakote ER 500mg once a day for a week and after a week I would go to 1000mg once a day. More medication to add to my variety pack as it was.
I did some research online about all the medications I am taking and it did nothing but scare me to death. I read positives and I read negatives about the Depakote and the combination of Depakote and Saphris. Having the brain that I have I started focusing on only the negative comments about the medicaitons.
I took my cocktail last night around ten, fell asleep shortly thereafter, and ended up waking up today at 4:30pm! Talk about sedation! I feel ok tonight but am a nervous wreck about taking them again tonight. I called my doctor when I woke up and he feels that maybe I was just exhausted from all I had been through this past week. Maybe???? Who really knows???
So the moral of my story...don't believe everything you read about medications, we are each different and certain drugs and combinations of drugs affect each person differently. I could be on a horrible path with these new drugs, but am trying to stay positive, hoping I can actually wake up in the morning. I am remaining hopeful because after all, hope is all we have!