"Normal" Emotions

Many times when we have that official diagnosis of bipolar or depression people do not realize we are actually capable of displaying so called "normal" emotions. Believe it or not there are times when I get mad because someone did something stupid. Believe it or not sometimes I do get sad because something has affected me and caused sadness. Believe it or not sometimes I am happy because I am simply in a good mood.
Not every blasted emotion is a result of our mental illness! We are still human, we still feel, we do still have times of so called "normalcy". I realize our emotions can be up and down some days, but there are other days where our emotions are in balance and we are just trying to live life as every other "normal" person out there.
I had this experience tonight with my husband. Something he did made me mad. It did not make me manic, I wasn't feeling bipolar, I was feeling anger...100% "normal" anger! As I was trying to tell him why he had made me so mad he told me I was starting to get "wound up". Really? "Wound up"! Believe it or not I had all my thoughts completely together, I was simply displaying realistic anger, and I was damn proud of the way I was handling myself. I was very far from "wound up".
So next time someone with a mental illness feels angry, sad, or happy, don't jump to the conclusion that their illness is talking (or yelling in my case). Stop for a moment and consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, they are feeling an emotion that most people just understand and consider "normal".

Bipolar or ADHD? Who knows!

I have tried, over the last few days, to focus less on my illness and more on God and life in general. I haven't failed miserable, but I have failed. My focus still tends to be on my bipolar disorder and ADHD. I have not had a bout with depression in about two months so obviously I have not focused on that. Thank goodness for one less thing!
It is pretty difficult to have both bipolar disorder and ADHD, ya never know which one is flaring up because they look so similar. I tend to think it is mainly my ADHD because the thing I notice most with the bipolar is the dysphoric mania. But then again I tend to overanalyze everything I do so maybe it is the bipolar disorder.
Another thing I tend to do is research the crap out of my disorders and then forget everything I just reserached. See what I mean? Which is it? Bipolar disorder or ADHD? It can be very frustrating for anyone who deals with either one or both!
So tonight I am going to do some reading on both and figure out what the issue is because there has got to be a more level playing field for my brain than this. The ups and downs, some say rapid cycling, are annoying, but I honestly don't know if that is what it is. How can I explain all this to my doctor if I have no idea what I am talking about and don't remember from one day to the next what symptoms I had. AGGRAVATING! Oh, and for those that think a mood journal would work, sure it would, but I cannot remember to write in it!
Oh the life of mental illness...I hate you, but I'm gonna give it a whirl to figure all this out!

My New Focus

I am on a mission today, a mission to change my focus and my thinking towards something I have been setting off to the side. I have lived and breathed my illnesses over the last few months I have researched and studied bipolar disorder, depression, and ADHD so much that it is pretty much all I think about 24/7. I thought I was doing the "smart" thing by helping myself to understand more about the illnesses, finding ways to cope, and looking for answers to just "get better". I kept telling myself there had to be a purpose for my life, but I had no idea what it was. I knew I wanted to help others who struggle, but I couldn't figure out how I could do enough to fulfill my ever empty soul.
It hit me this morning. Where is God in all this? Why have I not researched Him more? Why I have I not spent every moment living and breathing Him and what He has to say about purpose, coping, and healing? Was I afraid of what people might think? Maybe, I think so, unfortunately yes.
I put my faith in God when I was just a little girl and I have had my ups and downs with God. I struggle and I am human. But one thing always remains and that is His love and compassion for me. I know mental illness cannot be prayed away. I also know that menetal illness was not given to us because of sin in our lives. I would never tell anyone that God is punishing them because they do not follow Him or that if they would just follow Him they would be healed. I don't believe that to be true at all!
What I do believe to be true is that only God knows our true passion for our lives. Only He can give us the purpose in our pain. Only He loves us enough to completely understand what we are going through. And only He can offer us the true hope we need in our lives.
So I am starting this new focus and thinking plan today. I am not going to live and breathe my illnesses but I am going to live and breathe the only One who truly has the answers I need for my life. I will still fail miserabley at times. I will still get depressed. I will still deal with the dysphoric mania that somtimes consumes me, but I will continue to get back up with the help of my perfect Friend, Jesus!

Dysphoria Coming Soon

I sit here feeling the dysphoric mania coming on and what can I do about it? Nothing! I went five straight days without an episode. Silly me, I thought the Depakote my actually be doing the trick. I thought maybe they have finally found a medication cocktail that would put me into remission for a month, two months, maybe longer.
Well, to my disappointment I can feel the anger start to build within my body. Warning signs? Yep I feel them. Coping skills? Yep, tried them. But they fail every single time! The anger just consumes me and I end up yelling, cussing, throwing things, and just really hating life.
I have no idea what this day is going to bring, but is it any wonder why I hate to go to bed at night? I am afraid of what the morning has to bring! Am I going to wake up sad, happy, angry, discouraged, frustrtated, overwhelmed, or maybe even suicidal? Heck, I don't know...I NEVER know and it pisses me off! I don't want five days of level mood...I want SIX...is that too much to ask? AHHHHH!

New Medications

Medication changes can be so aggravating. I already feel like a walking pharmacy and when medications seem to just quit working it can lead to overwhelming feelins of frustration! So I wanted to take a minute to talk about my medication and how it seems to be affecting me.
Over the last 15 years I have been on a large variety of medications, some I cannot even remember. It seemed like every time I was put on something it worked for a few weeks and then BOOM it seemed to stop working altogether. This can be so frustrating when all you want to do is feel normal, happy, and be able to enjoy life.
Over the past two weeks my dysphoric mania has seemed to be relentless. I have struggled daily with episodes and no matter what I tried nothing helped. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and he prescribed Depakote ER 500mg once a day for a week and after a week I would go to 1000mg once a day. More medication to add to my variety pack as it was.
I did some research online about all the medications I am taking and it did nothing but scare me to death. I read positives and I read negatives about the Depakote and the combination of Depakote and Saphris. Having the brain that I have I started focusing on only the negative comments about the medicaitons.
I took my cocktail last night around ten, fell asleep shortly thereafter, and ended up waking up today at 4:30pm! Talk about sedation! I feel ok tonight but am a nervous wreck about taking them again tonight. I called my doctor when I woke up and he feels that maybe I was just exhausted from all I had been through this past week. Maybe???? Who really knows???
So the moral of my story...don't believe everything you read about medications, we are each different and certain drugs and combinations of drugs affect each person differently. I could be on a horrible path with these new drugs, but am trying to stay positive, hoping I can actually wake up in the morning. I am remaining hopeful because after all, hope is all we have!

Dear Bipolar and Depression

Dear Bipolar and Depression,
I think by now you know how much I hate you both! Just the thought of you makes me sick to my stomach. My mind swirls with outrage at what you do to people. You try so hard to take lives and spin them out of control. You debilitate and cause amazing people to really feel the hopelessness that you have to offer.
You try to cause confussion, anger, sadness, frustration, outrage, and extremely low self worth. You try to make relationships fail by tearing apart loved ones who stand in the path of your destruction. You try to torture innocent people with your unending attacks on ones mind. You work and work day in and day out, you are tireless at executing your plans.
But let me tell you something dear bipolar and depression...You will NOT take me down without a fight! Just when you think you have me in your grasp I promise to wiggle my way out and when I break free I will come back at you with a vengence.
You cannot control me because I am strong...I am a fighter...I am your worse nightmere. I have fought this battle with you for so many years and I know what it takes to survive. I know your little tricks and I know the turns you take. But you know what? I am smarter, braver, and have more passion inside of me then you can even imagine.
The world is full of innocent people that you try to devour, but these people are strong too. Like me they know how to wage this war against you both. They are survivors as well. They have hope and determintation that puts you to shame. They have stood up time and time again only to have you try to knock them down. But guess what? They will continue to stand up and eventually you will feel their wrath.
I want you to know you have not won this battle of our minds and you never will. The world is standing up together and making some noise. We are who we are, we are loud, and we are proud! So understand this, you are NOTHING, we are EVERYTHING, and we will continue to put YOU to shame until our time on earth is done!

Let's Break Some Stuff

The morning started out as every other morning. I woke up to my husband bringing me coffee, take my blood sugar, swallow a fist full of pills, and rub on some orange and peppermint oil (for mood). I have nothing planned for the day (mistake number 1) so I head out to the kitchen to clean up after the kids. I get the kitchen cleaned and decide to head into the living room and start my social media adventure.
The first thing I notice is that there hasn't been very many views on my blog (discouragement number 1), then I notice there hasn't been much activity on my FB page Hope in Hillsdale County (discouragement number 2), and finally I check my Youtube video and see only two views (discouragement number 3). Discouragement is just me being impatient and expecting myself to be way better at something than I am...Did I mention discouragement leads to depression?
I then decide to watch some television, maybe that will perk my day up...nope. The discouragement and the fact that I have nothing planned for the day has already done a number on my little bipolar brain! And then it hits me...like a bolt of lightening...ANGER!
I get my husbands attention by throwing a candle and smashing it against the bedroom door, all the while I am yelling profanity and horrible things about myself to my husband. Since that didn't affect him I decide to throw some more stuff while my brain screams in aggony and more hurtful and abusive things fly out of my mouth.
After breaking a few more things, throwing a small dresser across the room, and my husband walking out because he cannot take anymore, I throw myself on the bed and cry. Just as quickly as it came on, it ended. I am left to clean up the physical and emotional mess I have made.
I am very lucky to be married to someone who forgives me as quickly as my episode began. However, the hurt I caused cannot be forgotten. I ask myself, "Why did you not see the triggers?" "Why did you not fight harder to control the anger?" "Why can I not experience manic episodes of euphoria instead of anger?" So many unanswered questions that I have to live with...
Tonight I sit here drained, with so many questions rolling around in my already overwhelmed brain. Discouraged that I just cannot figure out how to take control of my brain. But I try to tell myself, I have a mental disorder and my brain will never function normally. I have to pick myself back up and try again, but most importantly I have to be patient with myself, forgive myself, and love who I am, functioning brain or not!

Youtube Video Link

Just letting everyone know I just published my first video...Check it out. I am new at this so don't judge me too harshly :) Just trying to get the message of hope out there for those who struggle like me. I hope to do more videos about mental illness in the near future. Thanks!

http://youtu.be/nqVZTkC9fS8

Warning...This is a Rant!

I have so many thoughts going through my head. I want to write. I want to speak. I want to be able to do something other than sit around the house. My mind swirls with thoughts and feelings, emotions of every kind. I struggle with keeping my thoughts positive. Those darn negatives keep trying to creep into my mind. I feel about 100 things right now...am I happy? Sad? Discouraged? Overwhelmed? Angry? Excited

Ahhhh. I just cannot take it sometimes. I do not want to have this stupid disease. It is ridiculous. I hate it! A part of me wants to just curl up in a ball and die because I see no pleasure in anything. But nope, gotta keep fighting the good fight. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is selfish. They shouldn't want me to suffer and so I tell myself it would be better if they would just tell me I should kill myself. Like that is my way out. I get so tired of fighting this mess. 

Just when I start to feel better my diabetes acts up and I end up getting depressed for no reason. Of course the only way to lower it is by eating garbage foods and exercising. Well, quite frankly I don't want to do either. I hate it! I worked my butt off going to weight watchers, lost a ton of weight, and then just let myself fall into the big mess of eating crap again and being lazy. Now I sit here fat and unhealthy. 

I am tired of taking pills for blood pressure, diabetes, bipolar, adhd, i mean seriously? I fee like a walking pharmacy. I just want to feel normal. But does anyone know what normal really is? Who in the heck in this world is normal?

I just had another thought. I want to go away with my husband. I want to take like 500 bucks and take off. Go do something spontaneous and fun...get the heck out of this stupid place we call Michigan, with all of its ice and snow and freaking cold temperatures. I need some sunshine and warmth...that would make me feel 110% better. I hate living here.

I feel like I am being a big negative nelly, but am I? Or am I just getting 100 things off my chest that make me feel overwhelmed...Yep, that is what I am doing, venting, and it feels amazing! Everyone should get the opportunity to vent once in awhile, it is what keeps us half way sane...I say halfway because will any of us really ever feel completely sane? I mean where is the fun in that? 

Sometimes it just feels good to go a little bit crazy. Crazy, did I just use that word? Yes I did and at this very moment that is the best word I can think of to describe all these feelings I am feeling. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself...take a big deep breath and laugh...enjoy going off the deep end sometimes. Besides, if you can't go off the deep end sometimes you wouldn't have a story to tell. And without a story to tell your life would be...well...quite boring!

Does It Feel Good To Feel Bad?

Sometimes it just feels good to feel bad...Why? Well, here is my take on it. There are many times I fall into a deep depression and my mind races with every negative thought I can possibly think of. I reminice about all the bad things that ever happend to me. I call myself names like loser, fatty, ugly, and stupid. I tell myself how worthless I am, no one loves me, no one cares about me, you might as well be dead, etc. I spend a great amount of time tearing myself down.

I did this today, for a bit, and then something came out of my mouth that I didn't even think about. I said, "It's too hard to try and feel better, it is just easier to sit here and let the depression swallow me whole." Isn't that true? The best thing to do always seems like the hardest, at least for me.

It was so easy for me to sit there and think of negative things, they flowed out of my brain like a giant waterfall. In order to think of positive things I had to struggle and fight and I didn't want to do that. But eventually I had to start envisioning that light at the end of the long dark tunnel I was in. I had to push aside all the negatives and start turning my attention to even the smallest positive thing I could think of. I tried to think of how miserable I felt and ask myself if I really wanted to continue down a miserable path or if I wanted to actually feel better.
My mind started pushing through the negative and coming up with positives to replace those thoughts. I thought about the fact that I had a husband who loves me, three amazing kids who need their mom healthy and happy, I even thought about my pets and how they needed me to take care of them. I realized once I started thinking of positve things in my life it became easier and easier to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.
When we get to that dark place that doesn't seem to want to let go of us we have to ask ourselves how long we really want to feel that way. I think everyone wants to feel better, it is just the issue of how to get there. We have to learn to stop the negative thinking as quick as possible and turn our attention to our blessings rather than our misfortunes. As always we just have to fight another day!

Manic Rage

I hate bipolar. I hate mania. I hate depression. I hate being fine one minute and not the next. The snow won't stop, I can't go anywhere, I am tired of television, radio, painting, drawing, playing games, and eating. I have done every single thing that I am supposed to do in order to work through the mood changes today, but it is not working. I am depressed because I cannot go outside or go for a drive or visit a friend. I cannot do anything but sit inside and watch it snow.
Being depressed about this has just turned into anger and I mean anger that is worse than a raging bull! I want to scream at the top of my lungs, throw glass objects at the windows, cuss out anyone that comes into my path, drive reckelessly down a freeway in the wrong direction, beat myself in the head and beat anyone else in the head that tries to make me feel better.
This crap is real and it hurts....IT FREAKING HURTS! When all you want is to feel OK, relaxed, happy, NORMAL, but you can't. You just can't no matter how hard you try! Is this the part where I am just supposed to go to a quiet room, stuff the emotions down, and FEEL my way through the anger and depression?
I'm talking out loud. I'm pouring my heart out into this blog and all I keep thinking is how bad this sucks...it's not fair...and I'm tired of it! Give me more than a couple days of normalcy...I want weeks of it! This is ridiculous, I'm pissed off, and I'm freaking exhausted!

Thankfulness

When I started this social media "journey" I never thought it would become as important to me as it is. I started this journey only a few short weeks ago and I started it in hopes that my story would reach many people who struggle with the same things I struggle with. I had hopes that people's lives would be touched, they would feel a sense of support, and know that together we can survive our mental illness and stand up for each other in the fight against the stigma.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much support I have received over the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed with the love and encouragemnt that is offered through Twitter, Facebook, and even this blog. I thank anyone and everyone reading this to know how much I appreciate being able to share with you. I am blessed to be able to use my words to pour my heart out to people I do not even know.
I want to encourage everyone out there to use your words and reach out to others. Sharing your story through blogging or another avenue out there can come back and bless you more than you realize. And please know this...If anyone needs support, and I mean ANYONE...PLEASE reach out to me. Let me try to be the support you need...My desire is to pay it forward and help, as so many have helped me!