I Will Fight

I get mad, furious, and so outraged I can throw a dish across the room. I get sad, depressed, and cry so much that I run out of tears. I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and discouraged to the point of feeling hopeless. But I also can be so happy that I feel my soul will overflow with joy.
I have experienced abuse at the hand of someone I thought loved me and felt the pain of being left to stand on my own. But I have also felt the warm embrace from a man who truly does love me. A man who holds my hand when I am scared, who wipes the tears from my face when I am sad, who lifts me up when I have fallen, and who challenges me every day to fight my battles with everything I am.
At 37 years old I have already fought an overwhelming amount of battles that no one should ever have to fight, but yet so many of us do. We fight and we fight and we fight some more. And no matter how many times we hear those words...fighting makes you stronger...we have a hard time believing it. But it is so true. With every battle we fight we do gain strength. It isn't the battle that makes us strong, it is the fight within us.
I am unique, creative, loving, kind, caring, supportive, loud, and proud. I am proud of who I am, proud of where I have come from, and proud of where I am going in life. I am proud of how hard I have fought to win this battle against mental illness. And I will continue to fight with all that I am. I will fight for myself, but I will also fight for others.
I will fight for those people who feel they are alone, abandoned, and afraid...I will stand up to those who call us "psycho", "crazy", "insane", and let them know exactly what they are up against. They are  up against individuals who never know, from one day to the next, what they will feel or experience, yet they survive. Individuals who can be in the depths of despair, yet pull themselves out and survive. Individuals who never stop fighting no matter what the odds and no matter what the battle is. Individuals like you and me! Fighters with the greatest will in the world to survive!

Mountains Out of Mole Hills

I truly hate my brain...I want a brain with a prefrontal lobe that functions correctly! One of the many problems I have is making mountains out of mole hills. I do it on a daily basis. The little things that happen to me make me go berzerk! Here is my example:
Tonight I realized I had forgotten to get my daughter's blood work done (another problem is my memory). It has already been two weeks and of course I kept forgetting. I decided tomorrow morning would be a good time to get it done, but guess what? I have lost the freaking doctor's order! Now I am just guessing that a "normal" person would simply not worry about it, call the doctor in the morning, and get another order for the blood work. WELL NOT ME...
My glorious and fabulous brain tells me the world is ending...my breathing gets labored...my heart races...every negative thought about life in general invades my mind...and eventually I start to hate who I am! Seriously? What on earth is the big deal? But to me it is a big deal and now I have to spend the remaining hours of my evening trying to rethink the negative and somehow turn it into positives...not an easy task! Guess I better get started...
But before I get started here's one more thought. Doesn't it just feel good sometimes to go a bit crazy, I am pretty sure that is because it is so much easier to go a bit crazy then to work your butt off trying to feel normal!

Helping Others

Today I received a phone call from our local newspaper. They heard that I was starting a support group for bipolar and depression in my county. They wanted to ask me a few questions about it so they could do an article for the paper. I was extremely excited and honored!
I explained to them that my reason behind the support group was so that individuals could share their experiences and feelings with the two disorders and offer support to others going through the same thing. I think it is so important for people to share their struggles and stories because it encourages others and helps them to know they are not alone.
I think feeling alone is one of the biggest problems with both disorders, any mental illness really. The feelings can be so overwhelming. How do we handle the feelings of aloneness? I know, for myself, there is nothing worse than thinking you are the only one in the world that is suffering, no one cares, you are not worthy of love and you tell yourself that is why you are alone. Our brains tell us lies and we believe them.
One of the things that has helped me to not feel alone is by sharing my story and reaching out to others. By reaching out to others I am not only helping them, but I am helping myself. Using Twitter and Facebook is one way to reach out to others, lend your support, and gain support. Sometimes it is so much easier to use social media because those people do not really know us, we can remain anonymous and share our deepest feelings without the worry of being judged. It has truly helped me in a way I never thought about before.
So my encouragement today is to reach out and help someone, you will be surprised at how much it will help you in return!

Tips For Coping

I wanted to share some coping tips I have learned during my journey of struggling with bipolar and depression. I hope you find at least one of these tips helpful as you continue to live your life with strength and courage. A lot of the tips include making lists which can be extremely beneficial when you deal with a brain that just does not want to function a lot of the time. So here goes...

1. First and foremost you must pray over everything! Talk to God throughout the day, when you are happy, sad, mad, etc. God understands and He is ALWAYS there to listen.
2. Second most important thing, do not wait to find a good counselor. No matter how strong you think you are get a counselor to help talk through all the many emotions you feel from day to day.
3. Make lists! This is key to help you figure out where you are in your life, what you have gone through, good or bad.
4. List your blessings daily, no matter how large or small, list them all. Try to list at least five a day, I bet you will find you have much more that that!
5. List the good things about yourself, do not be afraid to list ANYTHING.
6. List your support system, friends, family, pastors, counselors, etc.
7. List the different ways you can de-stress when you feel like you are losing control. Examples: take a hot bath, listen to a good song, call a friend, read encouraging quotes, etc.
8. Be involved as much as possible in a church, book club, online forums, or other social club.
9. Never be afraid to cry! Crying really does heal your soul. With every tear shed it is one step closer to feeling whole again. Tears do not show weakness, they show the building of strength!

I hope some of these may help and I look forward to sharing more thoughts throughout my journey!

The Beginning of My Story

I realized this morning I have never really introduced myself through this blog, so now might be a good time to do it. Here's my story...
At the ripe old age of six weeks old I was adopted by an amazingly, loving Christian couple and raised in a tiny little town in Michigan. I never knew anything but love and understanding growing up and was constantly reminded that God is love.
My troubles began in 1998 when I met and married a man who would change my life forever. This man did not know love, only hurt. He began physically abusing me shortly after we got together. I have been asked a million times, why did you not leave him? Well, as many abused individuals say, I loved him and I don't know why.
I gave birth to my first child in 1999 and two weeks after he was born I took a head first leap into depression. No warning signs, no small steps, nothing...just a dive into a deep black hole. Of course my husband continued the abuse and I continued taking it, falling deeper and deeper into that dark abyss.
As the years came and went I gave birth to two more amazing children, but lived in constant fear of an abusive man and a depression that came and went as often as it liked. In 2005 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was told it was due to PTSD. The abuse I had endured throughout the years had really done a number on my brain and so my life changed forever.
I struggled with hopelessness and next to no self esteem, I felt as though everything inside me had been destroyed and I would never be whole again. I fought daily for a marriage that was ending and I felt as though I had nothing left of myself.
On a rainy and gloomy day in September of 2010 I received a phone call that would add another huge piece to my story. My husband called and simply said, "I just filed for divorce, you can go pick up your papers at my attorney's office." My heart sunk and my mind raced with thoughts of fear, anger, sadness, and helplessness. I had spent 12 years living with a man who abused me almost daily, I had taken care of three children nearly on my own and fought for an abusive marriage I never should have been in in the first place. What was happening to me?
To make a very long story short, I survived. I survived the abuse, the marriage, and the divorce. It was anything but easy. At times I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed, angry at what my life had become, hopeless because I felt so alone, and even suicidal at times. My marriage was over, but it was one of the biggest blessings of my life. I no longer had to endure the abuse.
Today, I am happily married to my second husband. I have full custody of my three children and am a step mom to two awesome children.

Simple Tasks

My houeshold needs groceries, with seven people living here you can imagine how much food we go through in a week. What do most people do? They usually pick a day and time to get their grocery shopping done for the week, they go and get the groceries...simple right? Well, not for someone who struggles with bipolar disorder. Going to get groceries can be an extremely stressful time.

I was already in town once today for my therapy appointment and I knew I needed to get groceries, however, I just could not get up the gusto to go do it. I decided to just head back into town later when I was feeling up to it and get them then. After coming home and getting a few things done around the house, and I mean a very few, I started thinking about getting groceries. Let me tell you, the thought started terrorizing me. Overwhelming feelings of anxiety and stress flooded my mind and body. The thought of driving into town, walking around a huge store with tons of people in it made me really start to feel ill mentally and physically.

I have read so many things that tell me sometimes you just have to do things you do not want to do...but how? How do you force yourself to do simply little tasks when your brain tells you there is no way you can do it? What is the magic formula to stop your brain from feeling the way it does? Do you just sit back and wait for the feelings to go away (which could be a long time) or do you push through and accomplish the task anyway?

Before I forget, I did quickly realize I forgot to take my second dose of Metadate, so I am hopeful that once it kicks in I will feel like doing what I need to get done. But if it doesn't, then what? I guess I just sit and endure the guilt of not being able to go do such a simply thing like getting groceries and try to deal with it. It is so hard though. The little things I want to do, but my brain will not cooperate with me and so I have to just feel stuck...But I must keep telling myself, this too shall pass, it will not last forever, I can do it later. If I don't take care of the little things guess what? They will turn into a massive case of bipolar episodes, and that is definitely not worth getting groceries for.

Sunshine Day

The rapid cycling was non exsistent today! The days I do not have to deal with rapid cycling are definitely good days. Maybe the Saphris increase is starting to work, it has been a week. When I first started taking Saphris a couple months ago I was prescribed 5mg twice daily. A week ago tomorrow my psychiatrist changed it to 10mg at night and sticking with the 5mg in the morning.
One of the best things about the 10mg at night is that it puts me to sleep after about fifteen mintues, it is fabulous. I no longer have to take medications to help me sleep. So I am hopeful that the rapid cycling will continue to bother me less and less. I did read online that it can take two to three months to see the full benefits of Saphris, so there is still hope for improved mood. I am hopeful!
I was fairly productive today and have suffered very little. I was able to do a lot of online work and even submitted a short story to a website that was requesting submissions for those who suffer from mental illness and are tired of the stigma associated with it. I enjoyed writing the story and it really helped me cope with past traumas of abuse and my bipolar disorder. I will anxiously await hearing if my submission is chosen...just gonna stay positive!
Tomorrow I see my therapist, which always makes me feel better...so here is to a new and brighter tomorrow...just cannot get enough of the good days!

Short Story...Never Alone

Never Alone

By

Cristy A. Brown

She sat in her room not knowing where to turn. Her mind was racing. Was she happy, sad, angry, tired? What was going on she thought? Why was this happening to her? She felt a huge darkness swelling up inside her soul. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before; she was scared, tired, and alone.

The night before, Janice finally broke. She had taken what would be her last beating – emotionally and physically – from her husband. After years of abuse, it finally appeared to have ended with her husband’s words of finality, “I am leaving you.” Although Janice was scared of what was going to happen, she felt a wave of relief whirling through her mind and body. Though she would be alone, she would not have to endure any more damage brought on by years of abuse. However, the abuse was not over; it would continue to haunt her in ways she had never dreamed.

The day after Janice finally broke, she decided she needed to see someone. She made an appointment with her doctor and started the greatest and most difficult journey of her life. After discussing her horrible night with her doctor, he suggested she see a psychiatrist. Janice did not understand. Why would she need to see a psychiatrist? She wasn't crazy, and everyone associates a psychiatrist with someone who is crazy. What was going on? Janice once again felt a great sense of fear. Her fear turned to great panic and an overwhelming surge of sadness. Why was this happening? She just didn't understand. But crazy or not, she decided to at least go and talk to the psychiatrist.

Janice was exhausted the night before her appointment, but she could not sleep. Her mind raced with a million thoughts of what the next day would bring. She could not control the tears as they streamed down her face. But the more she cried, the more she felt a sense of anger welling up inside her. She tried to hide this from her husband, after all, he was leaving soon anyway, and he didn't care; no one cared. Janice was alone.

From the next room her husband heard her cries. He stumbled into the bedroom and started making fun of her. He asked why she was being such a baby and told her to get over it and to grow up. Janice felt as though she would burst! She could not ignore the anger that was growing deeper and deeper. She lashed out yelling and screaming at her husband, telling him all the things he wanted to hear.

Janice felt worthless, like garbage. No one cared and no one ever would. He yelled back agreeing with her that she was worthless and confirmed that no one would ever love her. He could obviously see she was just crazy. He told her she had always been crazy; that she needed locked up somewhere forever. Then those horrific words – the words that uncaring people say – came out of his mouth, “Janice, you should just kill yourself.”

Janice ran to the bathroom, slammed the door, and reached for her husband’s razor blade. She told herself it would just be better this way. No one needed her and no one loved her. The one person she trusted most just told her to end her life. How could life ever get better? I must be crazy she told herself; no one acts like this; no one feels like this...why am I so alone?

What Janice didn't know is that she wasn't alone. Thousands of individuals just like her suffer on a daily basis. But Janice had never heard of “others”. She had only heard that people who suffer from mental illness are crazy. That was the stigma. Janice didn't know what bipolar disorder and depression were. She didn't know it was something that could be brought on by emotional and physical abuse. What Janice did not know could have very easily ended her life that night. But it didn't. Janice made it through that horrific night and used her pain in a way that would help others.

Janice was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression brought on by PTSD. She had suffered for so long, and the results of emotional and physical abuse had really taken a toll on her mind. Janice was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and began a medication regimen that would change her life. She started therapy and began to help others by sharing her story of survival.

Now Janice is nationally known for her story. She has started many support groups for those who struggle with bipolar disorder and depression. She has shared her story far and wide, letting others know she is not ashamed because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Her story is powerful and well known by thousands of those who share her pain. She has saved lives through her story. Most importantly though, she has shared her story of strength. Janice is not defined by her disorders, she defines them. She is the hope people need. She is strength!

You Are Not Alone

This disease is real...it hurts...it debilitates...we have got to get the word out there and help others. The pain is real, the emotions are exhausting, this disease takes its toll on thousands of lives. More support groups need formed, more groups need to be available through social media, and we need to get our stories out there so others can relate.

There is strength in numbers. We need to stand up and stand strong against this mental illness. We need to encourage others by reaching out and lending our ear to hear their stories. We need to throw away the fear inside us. We have to be a light to let others know they are not alone!

I stood alone last night, not knowing where to turn. I truly believe there needs to be more avenues of support out there. Some type of social media system where you can turn at any time of any day and someone who understands your struggle will answer you. I searched a lot last night looking for someone to talk to. I preferred someone who did not know me so that I could just open my heart and pour out my feelings. But alas, there was no one...

I want to be an avenue for others to share with. I want to be the start of something great. I want to serve others in a way that has not been done before. I will find a way...I will allow myself to be used to my fullest potential!

Mood Change Again

What a weird day...not sure what kind of mood I am in. The day started out just ok, not really up or down...pretty much just "normal". I felt a big on edge by the time the afternoon started, but I fought the good fight and made it until my second dose of Metadate. About twenty minutes after taking the Metadate I started feeling better. I felt more focused and energized which then leads to happiness...hoorah!
My biggest problem tonight was when I started thinking of the things I HAD to do. Even though they were little things such as, making my son dinner, packing his lunch for tomorrow, and making sure he worked on his science fair project, they overwhelmed me in about 2.5 seconds. I do not do well when I know I HAVE to do something. Why is that? I just get so overwhelmed!
My chest feels heavy and my brain feels bored...trying to watch a movie...just not feeling the best. Where did all the joy go from yesterday...I had a great day yesterday, it was awesome. I get so tired of the mood changes...pure exhaustion! The worst part is going to bed and having no idea how I am going to feel in the morning...it just scares me so much!

Hope

The light is there, I feel it somewhere, but cannot reach it
I struggle to breathe, when will I find rest?
Emotions are overwhelming the very depths of my soul
What will come next? What is in store for me? Will this end?
I need to reach the light, I cannot let the darkness consume me...
Just one more breathe, then another, fight, just one more step
I can find the hope, I must survive, this cannot last forever
Just a little further, peek into the light, shine down on me I beg
With each breath I take the pain fades slowly, very slowly, but there is a chance
I know I can make it, there is a light ahead, it may be dim, but I see it
I reach for it slowly, watching the darkness hit my back,
My brain battles every bit of positive I feel, but I fight it back with all that I am
I'm sensing happiness, I know it is there, it is within me, if only I can grasp it
Push further, dig deeper, fight the pain...there is hope ahead
With every step I take, every breath I take, the light is overtaking the dark
The moments are passing by, the fight continues on, I see you hope, I feel you
It is shining bright, the pain is gone, I fought the fight, I may have won
Hope is here, it is in my path, I can stand tall because I found the light
Darkness will come again but I have no need to fear, hope will always win...I can do this!

A Clear Mind

This day has been good so far...my mind is clear...I am so thankful! I live for days like this. Days I can see things so clearly and accurately. I read up a lot last night about bipolar disorder, I don't think you ever really know all there is to know about this horrible disease. It is nice to get a fresh perspective on something you have lived with for so many years.
One thing I learned last night from my reading was how those with bipolar disorder have a prefrontal lobe in their brain that just does not function properly. I never really learned about the science of it all, but by doing so it made me feel better about my disease. It reinforced in me that this disease is just that, a disease, something that cannot be helped...it is not my fault.
It was very interesting to read how those with bipolar lack the ability to think about what they are going to say...it described it by saying that our thoughts are directly linked to our tongue and we say whatever pops into our brain at the time of an episode. There have been so many times I have felt so guilty over the things I have said to others, mainly my husband. But I understand that there are times I absolutely cannot help it. The things I say are definitely not the truth, but they are the things that my crazy emotions had me believing at the time. I am sure I will still always feel guilty, but I think it is more important to stress to my husband that these things I say are not true.
This disease is so horrible and I feel for anyone sufferring from it...I just want to learn all I can so that I can be a light to others. I want to be able to survive and thrive so that I can be a leader in my community and show others that they are not alone and that they too can survive and thrive. I am driven by my passion for helping others sufferring!
#bipolardisorder #strivetothrive #helpingothers #passionforlife #itsabeautifulday

Discouraged...

I am feeling so many things right now. I am completely discouraged...overwhelmed...frustrated...angry...what do I do with all of this? When I was started on the ADHD medication I think I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be the big cure I was looking for. Well, obviously I was wrong :( My emotions are getting the best of me today. This is a day of feeling like I have no pupose in life, I mean really what am I doing that is worth anything? I have such a passion for helping others, but how can I help others when I cannot even help myself right now?
People tell me, "You are a mom and a wife...you have a family to take care of." Really? Is that supposed to be the only thing in life that makes it worth living? I personally want more out of life...I think if more people would be honest they would agree that they too want more out of life. I cannot just sit around my house, clean, organize, and wait for the kids to get out of school. Then once they are out of school what am I supposed to do? My kids are all busy with their own activities and when they are not busy with activites they are in their rooms, watching television, or playing on their electronics.
I need more out of this life...if I actually had something to do I wouldn't have to sit around and think how I have nothing. I need to have a purpose, a plan, a goal, or a dream...am I wrong for wanting more? I need more, so much more. But how do I get it?

Panic Mode

Why do I panic when things do not go right? Is it my disease? Is it my past? What exactly is it?
This morning I realized I didn't have my debit card...couldn't find it anywhere...panic set in immediately! My husband kept telling me that this has happened before and that we would find it, but my mind told me life was over and negative thoughts swarmed my mind. How do I change this? How do I find a way to calm myself down? Why do I think life is over and everything is ruined when things don't go right?
Bumps in the road, no matter how big or small, can really shake us sometimes, especially when we struggle with mental illness. How do we get through these bumps? How do we force ourselves to use the coping skills we have learned along the way? That is something I really struggle with...using my coping skills when times get tough. I have a huge list of coping skills, but when my feelings and emotions take over everything flies out the window.
I think the best thing I can do to handle these bumps in the road are to really plan and prepare for the next "disaster". I need to keep a list of ways to deal with stress with me at all times. No matter how crazy it may seem to carry a little list with me it may really help me to see all the things I need to do in order to calm myself down and think logically. So from now on that is what I will do...carry my coping skills everywhere I go.
#copingskills #freakingout #bumpsintheroad

Medication Guessing Game

Did you know 1 in 5 people who have bipolar disorder also have ADHD...well apparantly I am one of those 1 in 5. I was taken off my anti depressants two weeks ago and put on Metadate for ADHD. My psychiatrist explained that the medication would work immediately if I truly had ADHD. The medication did, in fact, work right away...I felt so much better, like myself again, the fog had lifted. Unfortunately it only seemed to be in working order for about a week. By week two I was starting to slowly feel foggy again. My mood seemed to start bouncing from sad to irritable, I started feeling less energetic, nothing sounded "good" to me anymore. By the end of the second week I felt like giving up...all my old symptoms were back and heading to full throttle mode.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon and he doubled my dosage of metadate and increased my Saphris (mood stabilizer). He told me I could take a double dose in the morning or split it up in the daytime. Crazy me decided to take the double dose this morning! I feel like a zombie...I don't know how else to describe this weirdness. I feel like staring off into space or maybe just going to bed...AHHH! It is so frustrating.

I am trying to stay positive, but my mind is definitely not functioning well today, hopefully tomorrow the medication will work if I split it up. Why are medications such a playground? Take one, try one, increase, decrease, side-effects, good mood, bad mood, sad, irritable, happy, excited, discouraged, encouraged...it all just seems like a big guessing game to me. I think I would be frustrated if my brain was even working properly today...but it's not...

#bipolar, #ADHD, #frustration, #medications, #crazy

Real time...

Long days frustrate me...I want to stay positive...I want to do something, anything...Tired of sitting around...Tired of thinking...I want to help the world...I want to help people heal...I want to erase the stigma of mental illness...I am real...I have a story to tell...I want others to feel hope and love...I want to live out this purpose God has given to me...

Rought Night

Rough night last night. Not the worst night I have experienced by far, but still a mind rattling one. I have had almost two solid weeks of bliss and it is so hard when these crazy feelings start rushing in and try to take control of your brain. All I could think was that I did not want to feel this way. I know so many people suffer from mental illness, I wish I could help them all.
Yesterday afternoon I could feel a bipolar episode coming on...it is a very rotten feeling. I started feeling down, no energy, nothing sounded fun or enjoyable. All I could do was sit on the couch and feel the misery coming. I used my Daylight which probably helped more than I know. As the night progressed I could feel irritability start welling up inside me. I tried to vent to my husband and felt guilty for what I was putting him through. He offered suggestion after suggestion of what we could do...go for a walk, go for a drive, play a game, he even offered a foot massage. But nothing felt like a good idea...my brain told me it would be better to sit around and feel miserable.
Thanks to a brief massage from my husband, my brain settled down and I was able to relax the rest of the evening. Waking up this morning I felt a bit hyper and am now trying to deal with having energy, but feeling down at the same time...how weird is that? I feel like I have so much I want to do, but I really don't have anything to do. Aggravating!!!!! I'm even getting side tracked while I try to type this...think I better give up for awhile...

Blog, blog, blog

So I decided to start blogging and low and behold I already have an account...go figure something I started and never finished, welcome to my world!
So many things have happened since I started this blog that I feel I have no idea where to start. I have battled so many things in the last couple of years. I still struggle with bipolar and depression, but my struggles seem to have become less. I have a passion to help others and have recently started a new Facebook page and group called HOPE in Hillsdale County. My passion is so strong some days I will feel as though I will burst if I do not share my story with hundreds, even thousands...dream big!
Here is a list of what I have gone through so far in my life...let me just start by saying I it is only a list to let others know what I have been through and if anyone can relate I would love to have them join me on this journey...
*I am a mom of three great children ages 15, 14, and 11.
*I am a step mom to three additional children ages 18, 16, and 15.
*I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years until he left me and my three children for other women.
*I was diagnosed with depression in 1999, a couple months after the birth of my first child.
*I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2005 due to PTSD (from the abuse).
*I have been suicidal and I have cut.
*I went through a very bitter and horrible divorce.
*I am now married to my best friend and the most Godly man one could ever want.
*I was diagnosed with ADHD very recently, only two short weeks ago.
I struggle, like so many, and I really want to share my struggles and my accomplishments with anyone and everyone. My posts may be very random, like my title says, I have a beautifully frazzled mind!